My message to William:
I sent Jason a message through here, DS, twice. No response. I sent him an email through his personal email address. He did respond to that. He said that he would get in touch with you. Apparently he has not.
I tried to send you a link to his page, (since you said you could not locate him), but it wouldn't work; probably my lack of understanding how. But I will send you a copy of his profile pic on your page so that you will recognize him. If you look under the Members Tab he is on the third page, tenth member down.
Jason N. P.
William, I do not expect you to be left hanging here and be happy with that. I'm sorry that you signed up for this and are having so many problems already. If Jason does not contact you by Monday (7/20/09) then let me know and I will step in as your teammate.
I am soooooo sorry.
On a more personal note...I'm actually getting quite fed up with things here because it seems I am the only one of five admins that is doing any work or gives a shit about this site. I am SERIOUSLY thinking about leaving.
Again, I am SOOOOOOO sorry. If you would rather just not participate I will COMPLETELY understand.
To: Dusty, Jason N.P., Poison Envy, The Wonder Midget
(I'm excluding Rouge-Doc (Marc) from this message because of not only his current health issues but also because he has entrusted me with this site so I think I should atleast try to handle not only the admins lack of participation, but most issues, myself first before even considering going to him even if he wasn't sick)
Admins,
First, this message is not going to the admins that were upfront in notifing me of their current situation and inability to participate at this time but asked me to please keep them notified by emails. I am merely respecting their wishes by including them as requested.
(which was only Wonder Midget. She is going through a very painful divorce and let me know up front that she was not much in the way of being an admin at the moment but when I asked her if she wanted me to exclude her from emails she replied no. But I think it would be better to address it as "admins" rather than singling out anyone by insinuation)
I truly understand that we all have our personal lives and issues to deal with. BELIEVE ME I DO! But please, understand that I am beginning to feel like I am being taken advantage of. As in...Oh, Tammy will take care of it....Oh, she'll do all the reading, commenting and notifying...Tammy will welcome the members...I don't have to do anything because Tammy's doing it all.
And I must be truthful...it's beginning to seem like I am the only one who cares about this site.
I have my own personal issues to deal with right now. But I do not let that get in the way of my promised obligations. I have MADE EXTRA time on top of what time I would ordinarily spend doing what ever I can to try and keep DS going. And I do so because I have to, no one else is participating.
Yes, this message is out of frustration. Why? Because it seems that every effort I make in keeping admins notified/updated has been in vain. Ok, so most of y'all don't have the time to read. I understand that. I can accept responsability for the biggest part.
HOWEVER, the current subject that has gotten me to this point that's made me feel it's necessary to send y'all this message is The "MAD FAD COLLAB"
If your not going to participate; if your going to leave me to answer to our members asking how to get in touch with you because they have not heard from you, then please do not sign up.
Every step of the way with everything I do I ask for advice and approval from y'all. No one answers. When I go ahead and make decisions and notify y'all of them, still no one answers. Members signed up for this challenge IN GOOD FAITH and I have again, notified all of you of this challenge and who was chosen (by myself and based on the only other admin that responded) and still...with the exception of that one...no one responded. IF you are going to sign up then it would be a tremenous help to reply back when chosen, with, if nothing else, "yes". Atleast I then know you have recieved the email informing you that you have been chosen for the challenge. Our members are not going to participate if they feel left out because an admin, of whom they've been teamed with, doesn't even bother to acknowlege them.
words spoken of me
and none have been
closer to truth
please forgive me
i mean harm
to no one
least of all you
but i am without
and will never be again
i am the legion
that sucks dry
destroys and
eats away at dreams of
those that claim hope
with more effort
than i am willing to make
i can love you
but you cannot love me
without intent
i harm those who love me
and you are not strong enough
to survive that damage and return
when I need you most
i have a black heart
and you do not swim
in dark waters
and that is where i live
scared
backstroking from monsters
eyes watching wide
splitting seams and bleeding tears
scarred
clinching down to damage
before i am
sacred
coveting what matters most
peace
for
me
but
most
of
all
for
you
i am more human than you know
unfortunately
and that is why i ask
please forgive me
i would rather hurt you
with an honest no
than destroy you with a lie
and i am dying now
for fear of having lost
one whom i love
my friend
- Location:United States, New Hampshire, Manchester
- Mood:
hurting - Music:Playlist.com/Ave Maria/Shubert/Maria Challis
he will be there
for he is greatness
doubt?
how can you?
look
and you shall see
he is light
and kindness
and love
and the glory of all things fragile.
Shannon is beautiful.
xoxo
- Mood:
impressed
I venture the cobblestone trail
towards the starry opening
bare skinned and free from absurdities
forced upon me by that first slap
that first gasp.
There is breath in me
patterned, content
mine eyes are opened wide
focused on that which lies ahead
that which is never false
my steps follow one after another
steady, unquestioned in their destination
yet I am of the surreal and these steps I take
are given life by The Rainman.
Empty of all but the gentle pitter-patter
of his voice calling me forth
I am guided with loving care into the field
where I rest my body upon the cool grass.
Rainman blows swift his scent into my nostrils.
I am on my way to you my love
I inhale deep and hold while the darkness positions
in preparation for the storm, and
scattered twinkles dance in my presence.
And The Rainman comes
The air is rushed, radiant
The thunder is vibrant, victorious
The lightning is life, luminous
and I am The Rainman's creation
anew.
- Location:mom's ready to face tomorrow.
- Mood: calm
- Music:Playlist.com/Claire De Lune/Claude Debussy
Love the walk there and back. Stopped at the dam and sat for a while. Feel better now. Not going to question why. Doesn't matter. Just wanted to say thanks.
- Mood:
okay - Music:nothing but the fan and the traffic going by. Nice.
We finally, actually made 70 members on DS. What a miracle. Started advertising on myspace again. Not that it's going to do any good but what the hell. Speaking of myspace I'm getting ticked with that freakin place. Haven't recieved not one notice in my email ffrom there in days now. Checked my settings and they're fine. And now the IM isn't working either. Think it may be my computer though. It's been acting funny.
Been quite with no phone. Dropped it in my nice fresh hot cup of coffee and it hasn't worked since. Mike will be back in town in a couple of days and I'll get him to take me to town to get a replacement. Hopefully I can just transfer my number. It's a pain in the ass when you have no transportation. Freakin trucks dead. POS! Good thing mom's is only a mile walk from me.
Watched Public Enemy. Gotta love Johnny Depp.
Realized I had some screw ups in Throne 10 that I never fixed so I went back and corrected. Don't even know why I'm bothering. Phenn wants me to send it to him. He's an editor and does reviews for USA TODAY. He even has a publisher. He turned out to be an ok guy. Thought I had made a new ememy for sure with the comment thing but he assured me he didn't mean it the way it read. And boy does he have a redneck sounding voice for someone who lives in Michigan. Wonder if he's from the south.
I just don't know what to do with myself. Feel like the only thing keeping me from falling to pieces or exploding is my freakin skin. I'm bored. Think I'll watch another movie. Thank God for Watch-Movies. net.
"So, ummm, little brother, what are you doing tomorrow night?"
"Not much why, what's up?"
"Well, I kind of, sort of, maybe kind of have a date." Tab said in low voice.
"You what?"
"Yea, me, I have a date tomorrow night and I was wondering if you'd mind watching Timmy for me?"
"Who is he?"
"Who said it was a he?" Tab responded jokingly.
"Man, that ain't even funny, Sissy."
If there was one thing Tim had difficulty in dealing with it was intimacy. The subject wasn't even something he was comfortable joking about. As a young boy he had suffered sexual abuse for over a year at the hands of a man who ran the boys home that Tim was sent to at six years old. And as if that weren't bad enough he had also been the victim of a gang rape in prison at 19. His past experiences resulted in Tim living his life out without the desire to be involved in any relationship. Even at 24 years old Tim had never been with a woman.
"You don't know him. His name is Phil and he's a regular at the restaurant. He asked me and I said yes."
"What does he do?"
"What do you mean what does he do?" Tab couldn't help but smile at her brothers concern.
"What's he do for a living. You know what I mean."
"He's a truck driver."
"WHAT?!"
"Yea! A truck driver. He drives for the U.S.Post office across states. Is that good enough for you little brother, hmmm."
Tim started to fuss back but as soon as Tab said U.S. Post office he had nothing to say. There had never been any man good enough for his Sissy but atleast this one had a good job.
"What kinda date you goin on mommy?"
"Well, he said it's up to me so I thought maybe a movie and dinner."
"Ohh, mommy, can I go? I wanna go to the mobies.'
"Mo-v-ies buddy."
"Yea, dats what I said."
"No buddy not this time."
Just then little Timmy's face grew a sad look that caught big Tim's attention.
"That's ok little dude. You and me, we'll go rent us some movies, a whole bunch and we'll get some video games."
"Yea, yea, we can get a race car game, ok?"
"Yep."
"Good, so then that means you'll watch 'em for me?"
"Well of course." Tim answered.
"He better not be an asshole though."
"Yea, mommy he better not..."
"Don't even think about it! You little, you little shithead!"
"Mommy!" Timmy laughed.
"He's a good guy Tim. He comes to the restaurant all the time and has been asking me out for, hell, I don't even know how long. And he's coming here to pick me up so y'all will get to meet him."
Tim nodded his head in approval.
"That's good. That way if me and little dude here thinks he's an a.."
"Hey!" Tab stopped him.
"If we think he's a jerk then we can tell him to get lost."
Tabitha just chuckled.
"Well, ok, I'll go for that because I know you'll both like him."
Saturday night 7:00 pm sharp Phil arrived at the Heartly home.
(knock, knock)
"Mommy somebodies knocking at da door"
"Tim would you answer that."
"I got it."
Tim opens the front door to dark haired man that stood about six feet talk, sharply dressed and holding a bouquet of roses.
"You must Phil. Come on in man" Tim greeted as he opened the screen door for Phil to walk in.
"Thank you. That's me and you must be Tim." Phil responded holding out his hand to shake Tim's."
"Do you know my name?"
"Why sure I do. Your Timmy but your mom and uncle call you "little Timmy. And your uncle Tim calls you "little dude."
"Yea, dats right. How you know that?"
"Your mother told me all about you. She's very proud of you."
"Why you got flowers?"
"These are for your beautiful mother."
"Mommy, he bringed you flowers!" Timmy yelled out to Tab who was in the bathroom.
"Brought little dude"
"Huh?"
"He brought you flowers."
"Dats what I said."
Phil laughed.
"Come in and have a seat. Tab'll be out in a minute." Tim said.
Phil sat on the couch, Tim sat in the chair little Timmy jumped into his uncles lap.
"I've heard a lot about you Timmy. Your mom talks about you all the time. In fact, I know enough about you that I thought this might be something you'd like." Phil pulls out a small paper bag from his jacket pocket then gets up walks over and hands it to Timmy.
"Dis is for me?"
"Yep, that's for you."
Timmy looked up at Tim.
"Look he got me a surprise."
"I see that little dude. Open it."
Timmy opened the bag and inside was various pieces of fishing tackle and...
"Candy Buttons! Dat's my faborite candy!"
"Yea, that's what your mother said."
Timmy jumped down from Tim's lap and flopped on the floor and dumped out the contents of the bag.
"When I stopped at the store to get your mom these roses and saw those and I thought you might like have some new fishing stuff. Mom told me how you and your uncle like going fishing."
"That was really nice of you Phil." Tim said impressed with the man's kindness.
"What do you say little dude?"
"Thanks man! This is cool fishin stuff. Thanks a lot!"
"Your very welcome Timmy. Maybe sometime you and your uncle will let me go fishing with you."
"You like to go fishing too?"
"Oh absolutely. I love fishing. One time I went fishing and guess what I caught?"
"What?"
"I caught a shoe!"
"Huh? You gots a shoe?"
Tim and Phil laughed at the boys sequenced up face.
"Sure did. I pulled up my line thinking I had a big ol fish and it ended up being an old tennis shoe. Somebody must have lost it in the water."
"Hello there." Said Tab standing in the entry to the hallway wearing an emerald form fitting dress. It gathered in layers just slightly below the shoulders revealing just a bare bit of cleavage and ending at mid thigh. She wore her hair down which was something Phil had never seen before as she was always required to wear it back and up on the job. He stood up in awe not speaking a word for a moment. Phil had always thought Tab was attractive but this a woman he had never seen before.
"Wow. You look...amazing." He said smiling.
"Thank you." Tabitha said looking down to the floor and smiling. She wasn't to good with complements.
"These are for you."
"Wow, they're gorgeous. Thank you."
"Your very welcome."
"And that was, really, really great what you did for Timmy."
"Eh, it was nothing."
Tabitha and Phil stood there for a few seconds just staring at each other. And the room became silent as Tim and little Timmy just watched to both of them.
"Well, why don't I go put these in water and then we can get going." She said giggling and slightly uncomfortable.
"Hey you want one of my Pop Rocks?" Timmy asked as he tugged at Phil's pant leg.
"Sure. I've never had one."
Tim got up and followed Tab to the kitchen. She stood at the sink while the water poured into the vase smiling.
"So? What do ya think?"
"He seems ok I guess."
They both laughed.
"Ok, ok he seems like a really nice guy."
"He is Tim. He really is. And that was just wonderful of him to think of Timmy like that."
"Yes that was pretty cool."
Tab took the vase into the living room and sat it on top of the tv.
"Well, ready."
"Yes ma'am. Tim, nice to meet you sir. Don't worry, I'll take good care of her and return her home safe." Phil assured Tim while shaking his hand.
"Preciate Phil. It was good to meet you too."
"And you little man, it was indeed a pleasure to finally meet you." Phil leaned down reached out and shook little Timmy's hand.
"Thanks for the fishing stuff and candy."
"Your very welcome sir."
Phil and Tabitha walked out to his car and just like a true gentleman Phil held open the car door for Tabitha. Slightly surprised but impressed she chuckled, stepped in the car and said...
"Wow, never had anyone hold the door open for me before. Thank you."
"Well, my lady, get used to it." Phil smiled.
Tim stood at the front door watching. He too was impressed and actually thought Phil was not so bad. However there was still a slight bit of an uncomfortable feeling tugging at him. The thought of someone else having his sissy attention was not easy for him to deal with.
Phil hopped into the drivers seat and started the ignition then turned and gazed a Tabitha.
"What?"
"Your very beautiful."
"Thanks." She laughed uncomfortably.
"Not easy with compliments are you?"
"Well no. The time I get told something like that from a man is when he's trying to get, well, something. If, you know what I mean."
"Then it seems to me you've been out with all the wrong type of guys."
"That's an understatement."
"Well, my compliments are sincere. I have always thought you were beautiful."
Tabitha just sat there staring into his eyes knowing his words were sincere. And she loved hearing them.
"So where to my lady?"
"Well, umm, (laughing), I haven't been out on a date, a real date in so long. I don't know? Are you hungry? You wanna get some dinner?"
"I'll tell you what, how about you let me handle this ok?"
"Ok" She said with the strangest feeling inside her. A surrender to trust and control she had never known before.
After 20 minute drive Phil pulled into the parking lot of a place called, "The Garden." It was a lovely little restaurant by the sea that held more tables outside than in. Surrounded by lush green vines and flowers everywhere, beautiful soft lights in the shape of rose buds hanging about in the air and on each table and it had a live band on an outside stage as well.
"Oh Phil this beautiful." Tabitha was wide eyed.
Phil just stared at Tabitha admiring the look on her face as if she were child in a candy store. Tabitha turned looking at Phil and just smiled.
"Come on let's go." He said taking her by the hand.
Tabitha and Phil sat at a far end table for hours talking after dinner. Their conversations never dulling, the two talked openly and honestly about many things including Phil telling Tab about his one marriage that ended in divorce after the death of his only child that had been hit by a car- going from smiles of bittersweet memories to holding back the tears to laughing.
"Jacob was four when he died. He and Rachael were shopping and while she was putting groceries in the car he climbed out of the cart and managed to walk right out in front of a car. The car wasn't even going that fast but the front tire just, crushed his little body. He was so rambunctious. From the first day he started crawling he was climbing in and out of everything. And smart, lord that boy was smart. He was always asking questions. Didn't take him long to figure out how to unbuckle that seatbelt on the shopping cart. He loved going fishing too. We started going when he was two. His first pole was one of those little, ummm, Fisher Price toy poles. But then as he grew to love it more he had to have one just likes dads. I'd help him cast and then he'd just sit there with his pole in his arm while he rested his chin in his hand- for hours sometimes. He would sit there silent watching the water. but then sometimes he would talk and talk. Damn that boy just go on and on about anything. He really loved it."
In all the conversations they had had when he visited Tab at work never once had revealed that little fact about fishing. It made Tabitha feel bad knowing that she had talked often about Tim and Timmy loving it.
"Phil, God I am so sorry. If I had known...I mean all the times I talked about Tim and Timmy..."
"No, no, no. It's ok really."
An uncomfortable silence came over the two. They just sat there sneaking glances and smiling at one another. In an attempt to lighten the mood Tab blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"I can write with my feet."
"Your feet?!" Phil laughed.
"Well, my left foot."
"Well, hmmm, lets see...I can make a mean grill cheese sandwich?"
"Oh well then if you ever made Timmy one he'd probably be your best friend for life. That kid loves grilled cheese sandwiches."
"What's your favorite food?" Phil asked.
"Ummm, well, I guess pizza. I love a good pizza. We have one probably atleast once a week."
"Your favorite cereal?"
"Why?" She laughed.
"I just want to know everything about you. And since you talk about anything but you..."
"Ok, I love Honeycomb. Have every since I was little."
"Your a tough one aren't ya?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your not exactly easy to get to know. But, I'm willing to take as much time as you need Tabitha. I love being around you. I think about you all the time. And even though you obviously have a hard time letting people in I hope that you'll give me a chance. I would never, ever intentionally do anything to hurt you."
She just stared at him. Hanging on every word he said. She knew he was being honest. And Tabitha could feel herself wanting so desperately to let him in; to trust him. She wanted to be able to open up to Phil and tell him everything that kept her hurting so inside.
"I know you wouldn't Phil. I just..."
"It's ok. You don't have to say anything right now. When your ready, I'm here for you."
"Thank you. That's means alot to me Phil. It really does."
"Lovely lady, would you like to dance?"
"I'm not very good at it." The embarrassed woman responded.
"Oh, I don't believe that for one second." Phil replied as he stood and reached out his hand for hers. Tabitha hesitated for a second, smiled and took Phil's hand and he led her to the dance floor. Once there he turned and faced her and put his arm around her waist pulling her close. Tabitha wrapped her other arm around his shoulder smiling uncomfortably. After only a few awkward steps Phil let go of Tabitha's left hand and wrapped his other arm around her waist and the two melted right into each other. Tabitha felt anxious, scared but so good feeling his warmth; his strength. She felt safe in his arms, something she had never felt with any other man. It felt right she thought to herself. With Phil wrapped up in her embrace Tabitha squeezed tighter. She knew she was falling for him and it scared her. Phil, on the other hand, was already there. And finally having her close made him want her even more.
"You smell wonderful." Phil spoke with his nose buried into Tabitha's hair.
"You feel wonderful." She replied with a slight gasp.
Phil drew his head back looking into Tab's eyes as they continued to dance. He saw the fear and the wanting in her watering hazel eyes. He rested his forehead on hers.
"Don't cry baby. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. Everything's going to be alright. I promise. Just trust me."
"I want to, I want to, I want to. Just please don't hurt me."
And as a tear fell from Tabitha's right eye Phil raised his strong but gentle hand to her face and wiped it away. Tabitha ran her hand over top his, turned her lips towards his palm, kissed it and then returned his hand to her cheek. Phil kissed her forehead then down the side of her face, her cheek and then ran his lips across hers. Softly, slowly they kissed holding onto each other as though they were one. The band played as the lovers danced uttering not another word but relishing in the feel of finally finding each other.
1:26 am.
Phil and Tabitha pulled in front of her house. He turned off the ignition and the two just sat there continuing to talk and holding hands.
"I had a really good time tonight. Definitely the best I've ever been on." Tabitha said while with her other hand she ran her fingers across the back of his tracing their fingers entwined.
"I'm glad. Sorry we didn't make anywhere else but the restaurant."
"No, no. It was perfect. Your perfect. Too perfect."
"I don't know about that. You might want to wait until you see me in the morning before my first cup of coffee before you say that." He laughed. Then he released his hand from hers and raised it to his mouth and kissed. Tabitha smiled and let out a sigh. That was one of the most romantic things she had ever experienced. No man had ever kissed her hand before.
"Well, I should be getting in. Timmy's gonna be up early."
"Can I walk you to the door?"
"Your such a romantic. Of course you can." She giggled feeling like a school girl.
Standing on the front porch he took her into his arms again and kissed her. Tabitha was simply lost in the feel of him, of his tenderness.
"Did you want to come in?"
"No, I think I better go." He smiled.
"Really?" Tabitha looked puzzled at his refusal to her invite.
"Honestly, I would love nothing more. The thought of laying next to your body; of making love to you, just...whew. If you only knew how many nights I've laid in bed alone wishing you were there. But, having just met Tim and Timmy, it might not be a smart move so soon. I wouldn't want to start making enemies if they saw me here in the morning. And I don't want to come in for a while and then leave. I want to sleep with you in my arms and wake next to you in the morning. So, I'll wait."
Tabitha was stunned. What a perfect thing to say. Listening to his beautiful, loving words, looking into his eyes so sincere while being held so close made her want him even more. But she knew he was right. She took his face into her hands kissed him.
"Thank you."
"What's up?"
"Nothing."
"Bullshit Sissy, what are you smiling about?"
"What? I can't just smile because I want to or because I'm in a good mood?"
"Yea, sure, but that smile says your up to something."
"Oh, you think you know me?"
Tim turns to the right, looks Tab in the eyes and cocks his head sideways.
"Ummm, yea!"
"Oh, alright! Come on."
"Come on where?" Tim responds with a chuckle.
"Just come on damn it...pain in my ass."
"Who me?! Naw! I'm a good boy babe!"
Tab whips around behind her and gives Tim the finger.
"Hey stop that! Timmy's picking up on that ya know."
"Ok, sorry."
She walks to the front door as Tim follows behind her. Then Tabitha opens the door and steps out onto the porch. And with her beloved brother standing beside her she just stands there and smiles not saying a word.
"What?! What the hell are you up to woman?!"
Tab smacks him across his arm.
"Don't call me woman either!"
Just then Tim notices a truck in the driveway. A 95 Ford F150. Blue in color with patches of primer scattered about. It wasn't all that pretty but it was a strong running truck with a good dependable engine. Tabitha bought it from a co-worker. Tim had gotten into plenty of trouble in the past having his own vehicle. But this time was different. He didn't even focus on trying to buy a car. He walked and rode buses and was happy doing so. But Sissy knew this was in fact a different Timmy than before. This time Tim clearly made every effort to stay away from drugs, bad neighborhoods and trouble. Tab couldn't have been more proud of him and today being his one year clean of drugs Tab felt he deserved and earned both her trust and the truck.
"Who's here? You got a man here Sissy? Who is he? What's his name? When did he get here? Does Timmy know him?..."
"Chill! Jesus Christ! There's no man here." She busted out laughing.
"Well then who's truck is that?"
"That's your truck, stupid!"
Just as he was about to toss out another question...Tim made no sounds. Then he took a few steps further out on the porch and just stood there for a few seconds with his mouth wide open. Then he turned back to Tab and spoke...
"Don't call me stupid, stupid."
Tab grins from ear to ear as she sees the surprise in his eyes take over as he realizes what's happening. Tab holds out her hand and in her palm is a set of keys. Tim snatches the keys from her hand, grabs her and lays an almost painfully strong kiss on her cheek and then leaps off the porch screaming out.
"Hell yea! Woo Hoo! I'm a cowboy now!!!"
Tabitha stood on the porch laughing.
Tim jumps into the drivers seat and cranks up the engine. Listening to the humming he just sat there smiling.
"Come on let's run around the corner."
"I can't Timmy still sleeping. You know that!"
"Alright then, I'm off!"
"Hey, wipe off the shaving cream." Tab yells out as he backs out of the driveway.
"Aw piss on it. I'm cowboy covered in shaving cream with a new truck! YEEHA!!!"
And Tim takes off down the road. As Tab turns to walk back in the house to get little Timmy up and get ready for work she thinks to herself smiling, sure hope he doesn't forget to go to work.
That night Tabitha had decided to fix her brother a special dinner for his one year clean anniversary. She had been cooking since she got home from work. Although her brother had earned every bit of her trust Tab couldn't help but wonder if now that he had transportation would this be the beginning of trouble. Tim was always home by this time and that was when he was riding buses and walking so the fact that he now had his own transportation and still wasn't home did cross her mind. But then she heard his truck pull up. And in walked Tim with a big, bright smile and something behind his back.
"Hey you. Dinner's almost done."
"Mmmm, Sissy, that smells like lasagna."
"That's because it is lasagna."
"Damn, first the truck and now this? Am I really all the special?"
Tabitha, who was in the middle of cutting tomatoes for a salad stopped and said...
"What you've done, since you've been back home is just incredible. I'm very proud of you, Tim."
Tim displaying a slight smile indicating that he too was in fact proud of himself walked over to his Sissy and popped from behind his back a bouquet of flowers. Tab giggled.
"For me?"
"Well, yea, I mean you did spend how much on my surprise, so I figured, I could atleast spend a couple bucks on flowers to say thanks, ya know?"
"Did you bring me a surprise?" Little Timmy asked standing in the kitchen doorway.
"No, I didn't bring you a surprise this time. Is that ok?"
"Yea, cause you bring me surprises all the time. So it's ok if you just bringed mommy a surprise dis time."
"Well, thank you little dude." Tim turned and winked at Tab.
"Man, little due your so gullible!" Then he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a little box and handed it to the boy.
"Fishin stuff?! Mommy look it's fishin stuff."
"Yea, it's some of those new fake worms. I figured me and you could try 'em out ya know?"
"Ok, dinner's done. You two go wash your hands."
At the dinner table that night topics of conversation varied including Timmy's first week of school and fishing.
"Aren't you going to ask me why I was late getting home today?" Tim wore a slight smirk on his face knowing Tab well enough to know that she had wondered.
"No, I just figured you must have worked late or something."
"Liar."
"Yea, ok, I was wondering about it."
Everything went silent. Tim offered no response.
"Well?!"
"I went to get tags for my truck." He couldn't help but laugh.
"You gots a truck?" Timmy questioned as his fork barely pulled away from his mouth.
"Yes, I have a new truck. Cool huh?"
"Oh, can I see? When can I ride in it, huh?"
"Well, I was thinking after we eat maybe we could all take a ride in it."
Timmy, with his cheek full and fork in hand took in a deep breath and darted his eye straight to Tab. Without a word needing to be said the boys big eyes spoke for him.
"I suppose y'all can take a ride if you want to."
"Yea!" Timmy shouted out forgetting about his stuffed mouth.
"Close your mouth boy." Said Tab
"But not too long ok. Where are y'all going?"
"What your not going to take a ride with us?"
"Naw, I got stuff to do."
"Oh well your loss. I was going to get some ice cream but guess it's just you and me man."
Timmy smiled. He loved spending time with his uncle.
It had been two weeks since Tab talked so terribly to Phil that night. Unfortunately, Tabitha could remember clearly her unfair, uncalled for treatment of him on the phone. That Thursday morning she went about her job constantly looking for him to be sitting at his usual table just as she had been doing for several days. Her conscience was killing her and she desperately needed to apologized for her behavior. But as the day ended and 3:00pm, her new quitting time since Timmy started school, came around and no Phil. Tabitha knew just as she had done so many times before she once again pushed another nice guy away, never to be heard from again.
With familiar frustrations swimming through her she walks out to her car, opens the door and hears...
"Hey there baby!"
Tab turns around to find walking up behind her an old familiar face she walked away from once her brother had re-entered hers and Timmy's life.
"Jerry?!"
"What the fuck's that suppose to mean. Ain't you glad to see me?"
"Ummm, yea, how ya been?"
"Not bad. What about you? How's it going with your bro living with ya now?"
"It's good."
"It's good? Alright then, sooo whatcha doing tonight?" He asks as he not-so-smoothly stumbles closer and wraps his arm around Tab's waist.
"What are you drinking?" She inquires with a cautious smile.
"Ah...yea that's what I'm a talkin about! Come on, I got some rum lets go jump in your bed baby...ya know, for old times sake!"
"Jerry I can't." Tab replies as she pushes him back.
"Why the hell not?!"
"Cause I gotta get my kid off the bus and my brothers going to be home soon and I got dinner to cook."
"Jesus Christ! You turned into a regular fucking Mrs. Cleaver!"
Of all times Jerry could have shown up he had to show up now when Tabitha definitely did not need him around, a very weak moment for her indeed.
"Fuck it! Look, your gonna have to act normal, you hear me?! Just let me get Timmy off the bus and get my brother to watch him and then you and me can..."
"Hell fuckin yea! I can be normal." He claims as he swells out his chest.
"Jerry! I mean now damn it!"
"I can be normal, I swear! Cross my horny ass heart!"
5:13pm
Tabitha did everything she could think of to fix a rushed dinner and get all responsibilities out of the way. Too worried about getting back to her company Tabitha rushes to put the dishes in the sink and wipe the table off leaving the rest of the cleaning for tomorrow when Tim walks in and as quietly as possible says...
"Hey...I don't like 'em." Tim informed his Sissy.
"Oh, you don't like anybody I date."
"Date?! Is that what you call what's going on?! You keep him hidden in your room; he comes out long enough to eat and make a fucking ass of himself at the table and then he disappears back in your room. How do you think this looks to your son?!"
"My son?! My son! My brother! What the fuck about me?!"
Tab throws the cloth in her hand in the sink and storms off to her room. Tim stands by the kitchen table with every possible ounce of strength within him holding him back from busting in his sister's room and beating the hell out of her unfamiliar drunk friend when little Timmy steps around the corner.
"Is mommy ok?"
"Yea man. Mommy's fine. She's just mad at me little dude."
"Why's mommy mad at you?"
"Ummm...well man don't worry about. It'll be ok. Hey why don't we go get your game and take it in your room and play it on your tv, how about that?"
"But I gots homework to do for my school."
"Homework?! Are you serious little dude your in kindergarten?!" Tim manages a slight smile and chuckle.
Timmy shakes his head yes.
"What kind of homework."
"I gots to draw a picture of my house and I gots to draw my family too."
Tim, at that very moment, felt something that could not be described as a tug, a tug was far too mild. What Tim felt was more of an ending of any calmness he may have still had left within. Tears began to flood the old, young man's eye as he quickly turned away so little Timmy couldn't see him trying not to cry...
"Come on little dude. I'll help you with your homework man."
Having lost her job at the tire factory Tab now worked at the local Denny's and early morning at a busy restaurant working with a hangover, not a good scene. Tabitha, in her still slightly drunk, angry at the world and herself mood walks onto the floor to begin what she knew was going to be a very long, hard day. Not one single thing about that morning started off well, not fighting with her drunk company to leave that morning, not dealing with her pissed off brother or her sad son and certainly she had not a good start when she walked into her station to find no stock had been prepared, not a single table cleaned, not even the floor had been vacuumed. This was all the angry woman needed to set her entire day off in absolutely the wrong direction. And last but not least, she found herself still hoping, still fool enough to be looking for Phil sitting in his usual place waiting for her.
And he was...
"Good morning." Tabitha greeted the gentle man with a shameful smile.
"Morning to you my lady."
"I can't believe you just called me that still." she smiled.
"Why wouldn't I? Ok so, yea, you can be a little...ummm...well...bitchy...but I still think of you as a lady."
Tabitha's bloodshot, tired eyes grew wide when she heard the word bitchy but then quickly relaxed.
"Ok, ok. I deserve that. The usual?"
"Well, if what you mean..."
"Oh, your soooo funny! I'll be right back with coffee."
As hard as she tried not to she just couldn't help but smile.
Nearly two hours had passed when Phil had finished his last cup of coffee and began searching his wallet and pulled out a 20.00 bill to pay his check with. Tab who was at the next table wiping it down turned to the left to find her admirer looking straight at her.
"What are you looking at?"
"A very beautiful woman." He responded with a slight smile and a glow in his eyes.
"Thank you. I really needed a kind word this morning. I'm really glad you came by. Just so you know that, ummm, fit on the phone, really had nothing to do with you. I am really sorry, you didn't deserve that."
"I kind of figured things were a bit hard right now. Maybe one day you'll tell me about it. I'm glad I could bring you smile when you needed it and please stop saying your sorry. That makes the third time. You apologize too much. Hey, everybody has their bad days. Women just seem to have al lot more of them than men."
Tab dropped her mouth and then giggled.
"Ah, maybe so." She said while watching the floor.
"May I can return to visit you tomorrow my lady?"
"Think I'd be disappointed if you didn't. Actually, if you want you can call me later"
"How about you call me when you get done with your son and brother and all that. The is if your in the mood to." Phil stated with a smirk.
The two of them just stood there in a moment of awkward silence then smiled and said goodbye.
"Later beautiful." The kind man said looking her purposefully in the eye.
Again, the only thing Tab could do was smile.
Tabitha's shift was nearly over when she happened to notice out the window, in the parking lot, parked directly beside her car was Jerry's truck. She turned around and searched the restaurant to see if she could spot him. And there he was, sitting at the counter watching her work and looking not too please. A feeling of dread came over Tabitha. She knew he was not any good for her and she had to get rid of him.
"Why are you sitting over here? Your too good to sit in my station now?"
"I didn't want to cramp your style ya know?!"
"What? What do you mean my style?" She asked confused.
"Well, it seems you have quite a few admirers and I didn't want to get in the way. You know, you might of wanted to get fucked again tonight!" Jerry said in jealous anger with a sharpness in both his eyes and voice.
"Excuse me? Who the hell do you think your talking too?" Tab stepped in close responding as quietly as possible.
"I saw God damn it. I was here this morning. Fucking flirting with that fucker this morning like a whore!"
"What did you say to me?! You were spying on me? Who the hell do you think you are?! Jerry, I'm telling you right now, if you ever come near me again...."
"What bitch, you'll what?!" Jerry said gritting his teeth.
"I'll call the police that's what!" She knew with his long history of trouble with the police that being arrested was the last thing Jerry wanted.
He stood up from the stool, took one step forward towards Tab. And with a look like he was ready to kill, nose to nose with Tab, he leaned over to her right cheek and tried to kiss her. Tabitha turned away and then he walked away. She just stood there. Tabitha didn't know what to think. She had never seen this side of him before.
(3:45pm at the bus stop)
"Hey buddy, how's it going?"
"Ok." Little Timmy responded in a slightly sorrowful voice.
"Ok? That's it? It's just ok?"
Timmy said nothing. In fact the entire walk back to the house, which was only a couple of blocks, the obviously bothered boy said nothing at all. Walking up the front porch Tab stopped at the top step. Little Timmy walked up to the front door and waited for his mom to unlock the front door. Once unlocked Tab turned to Timmy and bent down to give him a kiss.
"Mom?!"
"Whats going on Timmy?"
"Mom, I gots to do my homework"
"Timmy, what is wrong?"
"I hate you! I hate you!" Little Timmy screamed out and then dropped his book bag and barreled down the front porch and zoomed towards the backyard.
Tabitha was frozen in shock. Tab didn't dare ask what she had done, she knew better. The entire scene from last night and that very morning played heavily in her mind. If there was anything Tab knew she knew, as a mother, she did everything wrong. Giving Timmy time enough to get away, Tab walked towards the backyard to make certain her son was ok. As quietly as possible Tab krept up to Timmy's homemade fort in the backyard. Hearing vague sounds of crying she just turned and walked away.
Tabitha walks to Timmy's door and knocks...
"Hey buddy. Dinner's done. Come on and wash your hands."
Then she walked back to the kitchen. While preparing the table Tim walked in.
"Hey sis, sorry I'm late. Feakin Rob didn't show up again so I had to cover his quota too. But, hey, I'm good don'tcha know!" Tim claimed with a huge grin and arms spread out wide.
Not one word came from her mouth.
"What's up?"
"Nothing"
"Sissy, what's going on?"
Tabitha began to cry.
"He hates me. Timmy hates me. And he's right. He should hate me. I was so terrible last night and this morning."
"He doesn't hate you. But that Jerry guy doesn't need to be around him Tab. That guys bad news."
"I know. I know and I'm never seeing him again I swear. I don't like the guy."
"I'll go talk to him."
In six more days he would be one year clean from drugs, quite the accomplishment for Tim. He couldn't even recall one month clean much less an entire year. The man was extremely proud of himself and rightly so. For the first time ever he had no doubt, Tim knew he had made some really good choices. Aside from his faithful payment of one hundred a week for rent to his sissy, buying groceries and the occasion day out with little Timmy or having a few nights out with Tab, Tim had been saving nearly all of his money. At this point he had managed to save almost $2200.00. Quite an accomplishment for him.
Life was pretty good for the brother and sister at this point. Not only had Tim proven his efforts but, he had managed to inspire his sister as well. Although Tab did in fact still drink, getting out of control like she did in the past was old news. She was also proud of herself in knowing that she no longer woke up the next morning wondering what had taken place the night before. No black outs to confuse her.
It's a Saturday and both Tim and Tab have the day off which is something rare. But today, this particular Saturday, the two had been planning for a quite a while.
Little Timmy was about to start his first day of school. In two days he would soon be a kindergartner. And this was most definitely cause for celebration.
"Hey. Little dude. Time to get your grown kindergarten butt up!" Uncle Tim announced kneeling down beside little Timmy's bed. The boy opened his eyes just a little, closed them back and said...
"I don't go school yet and I don't go on Saturday efer"
"Ever." Tab corrected as she entered the room with a basket of clean clothes.
"Dats what I said."
"Your right your not going to school today little dude. So I guess that means you don't have to get up so, I guess me and mommy will go shopping for new clothes and shoes by ourselves and you won't get any."
Little Timmy's eyes opened wide and he sprung to his feet. Then he started to jump up down on his bed yelling out.
"Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! Can I hab some Scoobydoo shoes?! Please, please, please?!"
"Chill little dude! Yea you can have Scoobydoo shoes."
"And wif the lights that go like this when I walk?" Little Timmy threw his hands straight out and motioned his fingers like blinking lights.
"You mean Scoobydoo shoes have blinking fingers?!" Big Tim responded.
"No! Dummy!"
"Hey, none of that buddy. That's not nice, don't call anybody dummy. You hear me?"
"Yes ma'am mommy. But can I hab the shoes like that?"
"Yes, you can have any kind of shoes you want. Now here get dressed and we'll go to Mc Donald's for breakfast ok?"
Big Tim and little Timmy whipped their heads around looking at each other and smiled.
"Ooooo Mc Donald's hamburger!" Timmy said while tearing off his pajama top.
"Hey, you treating there Sissy?"
"Yes, my treat." Tab replied while walking down the hallway.
Tim gets up off the bed and stands at little Timmy's door and says out loud so Tab would hear him.
"Ya know what little dude? If mommy's got money to buy clothes and Scoobydoo shoes and Mc D's then she must be rich! I say we need to go rob her and get all her money. What do you say little dude?"
"Yea! Let's go rob mommy!"
Tim sweeps little Timmy up and takes off down the hall to find Tab. But just as quick as they, Tab zooms from her bedroom door heading for the bathroom.
"Ha!!! Y'all are too slow!" Tab announces out in a firm, bold voice from behind a locked bathroom door.
"That's ok Sissy. You gotta come out of there sometime."
Later at Mc Donald's.
"Alright, are we eating inside or outside on the playground?" Asked Tab.
"Ummm, I tink maybe we can eat outside." Little Timmy said with his finger on his chin.
"Oh, your so funny. How'd I know you were going to say that?"
"Cause, I'm a kid mommy."
"Ahhh, you funny guy you." Tim picked little Timmy up and tossed him over his shoulder.
"What do y'all want?"
"I want hamburgers!" A little voice strained while flipped upside down from behind Tim's back.
"No hamburgers. Breakfast!"
"I want pancakes!"
"Gimme two sausage, egg and cheese biscuits. I'm gonna take him on out there."
"Yep."
Big Tim carried little Timmy out to the playground. Timmy flopped to the floor to take off his shoes and placed them in the provided bin.
"Dis is my faborite place."
"Yea, little dude, I kind of caught that the last time you said it. And it's favorite not faborite."
Timmy just shook his head as he attempted to dash off to the slide. But Tim grabbed a hold of him and said...
"Fa-v-orite."
"Yea, dats what I said."
"Go play man." Tim could only giggle.
After the three had finished eating Timmy went back to play for little while longer and Tim decided to join him.
"You can't play here your too big!"
"I know but it's just us out here and I won't tell if you won't." He said in low secret voice.
Timmy shook his head yes and reminded Tim to take off his shoes.
"Come on mommy we won't tell if you play too."
"No that's ok. I'll just watch you two."
Tab sat while the boys played for over half an hour. Watching she realized just how much her son reminder her of her brother. It was not a comfortable feeling for Tabitha and she didn't understand why. She reflected on how badly she had treated little Timmy in the past and a sharpness in her heart began to bring tears to her eyes. She loved her son no doubt but showing it was something she had not done very well so far in his life. And yet realizing that she had been a better mother to him since Tim had come back into their lives did not provide her any comfort.
Off, in her own little world, Tabitha was suddenly brought back into focus with the sound of little Timmy calling her.
"Mommy!"
"What!"
"Come here mommy help us."
"Help you with what?"
"Uncle Tim is stuck!"
She stood up and walked around to the back part of the tubes the children climbed through and sure enough, there he was, stuck, bent in half he was trying to climb back up a sliding section of the tubes and had manged to wedge himself into the entrance.
"What in the world?" Tab said in a low voice as she walked around to the exit where the slide led to.
"Hello in there!" Her voice echoed up the tube.
"Very funny! Come on pull my legs"
"How'd you get stuck?"
"I'm wedged in with my knees, damn it!" Tim said frustrated but laughing.
Tabitha started climbing up the tube until she reached his feet and began to pull.
"I told you you was too big, huh? Huh mommy?"
"Yes you did and he didn't listen did he?"
"Nope! Now see what happens when you don't listen?"
The three were nearly useless from laughing so hard.
"Here, mommy can pull your feet and I can pull your shirt, ok?"
"No, little dude, that's alright my shirt'll just pull off."
"Well den, I can pull your hair, ok? Dat won't pull off."
"Yea it will it'll pull all out man! " Timmy panicked laughing.
"Ok, ok, man you can pull my shirt. Damn it Tab, get me out of here!"
She gave Tim's feet a couple of strong yanks and down the brother and sister slid. Timmy flopped to his butt and slid down after them. The three just sat there laughing.
(Monday morning. Timmy's first day of school)
It was 8:10am when little Timmy was about to take his first bus ride to school. Tab, Tim and the boy stood at the stop waiting for the school bus to arrive when Tab spoke...
"Ok buddy, you got everything right?"
"Yep."
"Ok, I'll be right here when you get off the bus ok?"
"But what if I get ascared in school by myself?"
"Man, you ain't gonna be scared, you know why?"
The nervous boy just shook his head no.
"Because man, your gonna have so much fun! Your gonna make new friends and..."
"I don't like new friends."
"Now how do you know until you meet 'em? Ok, I 'll tell you what else then. Your gonna get new stuff, how 'bout that?!"
"What kinda stuff?"
"Well, just, all kinds, man! Crayons and new paper and pencils and all kinds of new stuff. You like that right?!"
Timmy shook his head yes with a slight bit of excitement when suddenly the roaring of the engine began to grow closer.
"There it is. There's your new school bus buddy!"
"But I don't like school buses mommy." Timmy began to cry.
"Ohhh, Timmy, now buddy, come on now. I gotta go work so you gotta get on the bus and I'll see you when you get home, alright?"
Timmy grabbed a hold of Tab's pant leg and began to cry even harder. Tab, who wasn't feeling all that well to begin with, pulled him off her.
"Timmy! Look at me! It's not that big a deal buddy. I'll see you when you get home. I have got to go now. I'm going to be late already!"
"I got this. I got this just go. I'll take care of him." Tim intervened.
With that Tab walked off towards her car with feelings of frustration and confusion running through her that she did not understand.
(flask back)
"Come on we're gonna be late for the bus."
"I'm coming Sissy, fast as I can."
This was Timmy's first day of kindergarten and Tab was now a first grader. Feelings the loving sister had never encountered before concerning her brother were now flooding her every thought. Tab rushed out the front door yelling for her brother like she had been doing all morning long. She stormed to the bus stop that wasn't that far from their house with Timmy calling out behind her...
"Sissy!, Sissy! Slow down, I can't go that fast."
"Well stop being so slow!" She fussed as she stopped, turned and said in an angry voice.
"I'm tryin, Sissy."
Tab arrived at the bus stop and stood there with her angry look waiting for the school bus to come.
"Now, you just get on the bus and don't sit next to me!"
"But, why not?"
"'Cause I just don't want you too!"
"But why?" The boy who hanging onto every word his Sissy spoke just couldn't understand.
"Cause I got friends I wanna sit with and your not one of 'em!"
(current)
(Honk! Honk!)
Tab came to finding herself in the middle of the street waiting for a car to pass that had long been gone. Suddenly all she could hear was car horns everywhere. Tab pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and just sat there for a moment thinking, thinking about what an evil sister she was. Even worse, she thought, was what an evil mother she was to little Timmy.
By the time Tab walked onto the floor to begin her shift she was not in the best of moods. Already irritated Tabitha walked up to her first table with a stern look...
"What can I get for ya?"
"Well...first you can get me a smile."
Tabitha looked up and began to respond sharply when suddenly she realized who the voice belonged to. Tim, little Timmy and now this one. Another male seeking her attention another male to stir up feelings within her that Tab didn't even realize herself she was no longer willing to invest. But still, there he was a man who didn't give up easy. One who had frequented the restaurant often always sitting in Tab's section only for months. Tabitha's night in shinning armor, Phil.
"Hey." She responded as she quickly looked back down at her order pad.
"Hey to you too." Phil said as he handed her a dozen roses.
"Wow, thank you. They're beautiful. I'm assuming you want the usual."
"If what you mean is do I want you then the answer is...yes! I want the usual!"
"Is that suppose to be a complement? I'm nothing more than "the usual?"
"No, no, no fair lady I did not say that." Phil smiled.
"So, when are you going to go on a date with me?"
Tab stood there confused. One side of her didn't want to be involved and yet another part of her was so tired of being alone. All her inner struggle topped of with the knowledge that she wasn't very good at picking out what some would call "good" men left her with no answer to give. Tab just walked away.
"I'll be right back with coffee."
Phil just sat back and watched her walk away. Tab brought him his coffee followed soon by his breakfast and the man sat eating while occasionally catching glances of her working. Phil had spent many a morning watching Tabitha. He in fact become regular at the restaurant once he first noticed her. In the months he had been eating there he managed to strike up many conversations with Tab and had gotten to know her well enough to know he liked what he saw. Phil felt Tabitha's distancing ways and knew she was a woman that pretty much kept to herself but he was willing to make the efforts necessary.
"Can I get you anything else?"
"No, I need to get going. Gotta pull out tonight and head up to New York so I better get on home and get some sleep. You never did answer my question."
"Yea, I guess we can go out, sometime. Why don't you give me a call when you get a chance."
"Well I would love to call you but I have one problem."
"What's that?"
"You've never given me your number."
"Oh, yea it might help if you had that huh?"
Tab writes her number down and hands him his bill.
"Ok, this is good. So, maybe give you a ring tonight before I hit the road?"
"Sure. Be careful out there driving."
"Yes ma'am." He smiled as she walked away.
The over stressed woman arrived home about twenty minutes before time for Timmy's bus to arrive giving her just enough time to take a couple of shots and then brush her teeth to hide her breath. Tabitha went into her bedroom sat on the side of the bed and pulled from her purse her bottle and a can of coke she purchased from a machine at the strip mall where the alcohol store was located. She nervously, anxiously twisted off the top and tilled up the bottle tossing down the vodka and then chased it with a small swig of soda.
Oh the warmth that rushed through her instantly was such a welcomed feeling. Tabitha laid back on her bed, closed her eyes and with every nerve, every muscle in her body now being caressed with a loving hug from her old friend she began to feel the demands on her emotions, on her attention and on her ability and willingness to love just float away.
3:44pm
The school bus turns the corner as Tab stands waiting now prepared for anything. Relaxed and feeling confident she smiles at the first sight of the bus and watching as it pulls up to see if she can spot Timmy in one of the windows. Just then from behind her a familiar voice speaks.
"You see 'em?"
"What are you doing here?"
"I figured I'd go ahead and take off a little early too and see how it went today."
As the bus stops in front of Tab and Tim they both spot in the second window little Timmy who was wearing a great big smile and hopping in his seat excitedly. He waved at his mommy and uncle and began to speak out as if they could hear him through the closed window.
"I like it. I like school!"
Tabitha and Tim shook their heads not understanding the boys words. Then he ran to the bus door and step to the bottom step and stopped.
"I like school 'cause it's fun. I habbed a bunch of fun and we colored and all the kids told their names and the teacher is nice and..."
"Whoa buddy! That's great but why don't get off the bus and tell us so your bus driver can take all the other kids home, ok?"
"Oh, yea." And little Timmy turned around and in a joyful voice said.
"Goodbye Ms. bus driver. I'm gonna ride tomorrow too ok?"
"Yes Timmy that's fine son. I'll see you bright and early and my name is Ms. Letts, ok?"
"Ok" And Timmy hops off the bus.
For the remainder of the evening the topic of discussion was Timmy's new adventures. From that day on little Timmy looked forward to each school day.
10:01pm
(ring, ring)
"Hello"
"Good evening fine lady. I'm calling just like I said I would although it's a little later than I meant to. Were you in bed?"
"Yea, but I'm just laying here watching television. As long as you call by, say no later than 11 or so I'm usually up. So you getting ready to head out?"
"In a few. I actually meant to be on the road by 11:00 but I'm running a little behind."
"What time do you have to be in New York?"
"Not until 5:00 tomorrow evening so I've got plenty of time. You know it would be nice if you wanted to join me on the road sometime. Maybe make a trip up north to Maine with me? It's really nice up there."
"Wow, you want me to go on the road with you already? Besides isn't that illegal to carry a passenger in a government vehicle?" She responds with a nasty tone.
"Not if I get permission first and Tab, (sigh) You know, I won't lie and say I know why your so distant but, just so you know, I'm not gonna hurt you."
"I never said you would!" Tabitha, now well under the influence, says in a sarcastic voice.
"Why would you want me to go to Maine with you?"
"Well, it's nice up there like I said and I just thought it would be something interesting we could do together."
"What do you want from me Phil?!"
"Time Tabitha just give me a little time."
"Time for what?!"
"What's wrong? Is something going on? I mean your so..."
"I'm so what? Oh I get it now I'm being a bitch is that it?"
"I never said Tabitha."
"You know what Phil, this is such a bad idea."
"What's a bad idea?"
"You and me. This is just not going to work so I think we should just stop right now."
"My lady how can we stop if you won't even give us a chance to start?"
"Stop calling me that!"
"Tab, I'm referring to you the way see you but apparently... Maybe we should just hang up for now."
"Yea. maybe we should!"
(click!)
With her best friend in hand, who needs love.
6:07 am
Tab heard noises coming from the kitchen. Laying there still half asleep she also caught a wif of the wonderful smell of coffee. She sat up and looked over at the clocked. 6:07...what the hell? She thought to herself. Groggy but sober she got up and put on some pants then headed towards her bedroom door and opened it to the surprise of hearing singing.
"I know ya wanna leave me but I refuse to let you go. If I have to beg, plead for your sympathy.."
"Damn man...do you know it's six in the morning? What the hell are you doing?"
"Shit!" Tim responded in surprise and then started laughing.
"Yoooo, there's coffee ready and I didn't have much time but I did cook some biscuits. They're just can ones but what the hell, huh?"
Tabitha was speechless. Lost in how exactly to react to what she thought must have been a dream she just stood there. Tim, on his way past her, stopped just long enough to toss a quick peck on his sissy's cheek.
"Ain't too proud to beg sweet darlin..." He sung out on his way by.
Wrinkles of disbelief were glued between Tabs eyes. Just then she noticed a weird smell and dashed over to the oven. Yep, the biscuits were quite...dark? But Tim's efforts were sincere. Sissy pulled out the pan and sat it on top of the stove. Then she walked slowly and curiously out of the kitchen while on her way pass the table she tossed the towel from her hand.
Tabitha stood listening quietly at the bathroom door. On the other side was the gleeful voice of a man she had very rarely seen. As she went to press her ear on the door, suddenly it swung open. Tim, surprised again started laughing.
"What the hell? Are you spying on me?"
"No!?" Tabitha responded embarrassed while quickly jumping away from the door.
"Ok, yes I am. What's going on Tim?"
Her lighthearted brother stopped in his tracks and turned back around. Then with a tiny bounce in his step he strutted back over to his sister and said.
"I, yes I said I, got a job." The smile on his face stretched even farther than from ear to ear.
Tim, being a convicted felon had the same hard road to travel as all others had. The system claims one rehabilitated, yes, but once out they're hardly ever given a fair chance. So for him finding a descent paying job was something to celebrate indeed.
"What, you got a job?"
"Ummm yea! Damn sissy you act like I ain't never worked before." He said as his face displayed a look of shock while again he rushed back by her.
In his hand was a gray handled, old, worn brush. Tab, following behind her brother in disbelief.
"Well, yea you've worked before but, well, you've been here for 3 months now and I just thought..."
"What...did you think I was just going to go around the neighborhood doing odd jobs for the rest of my life? I need real money."
"Why didn't you tell me you've been looking for other jobs?"
Tim stopped grooming and turned his attention from the mirror back to her.
"Because sissy, I wanted to prove to you that I really am trying instead of just saying it again."
Tab was speechless. She had seen him try before but she had never seen this. Tab stood there adoring the little boy that had always been her heart and soul when she noticed the brush he was using.
"Oh my God. Is that the same brush?"
Timmy brought it down from his head. He looked at the brush and then looked at Tab...
"Yea, cool huh?"
"I can't believe you still have that."
"Well I haven't lost everything ya know." He winked.
Tim was careless about a lot of things but if there was anything that he was picky about it was his hair. Being the careless sort he was always losing brushes so Tab found him a little folding handle pocket size brush. The small brush was a gift from his sister that she had given him for Christmas 3 years earlier. One of the few times Tim spent a holiday, not locked up.
Without even the first thought the mother in Tab spoke...
"Don't forget to brush your teeth."
"Yes sissy" Tim chuckled.
Tim had been gone nearly an hour when it occurred to Tab that she didn't even ask him what the job was. No matter she thought atleast he had one.
As for Tabitha's job she had managed to switch to day shift so she could be home at night. She wasn't quite ready to trust Tim to watch after Timmy when she was gone that long. However she was slowly becoming more and more impressed and comfortable with her brother. And with each passing day Tim was proving over and over again that he was really trying. Tabitha sat at the kitchen table with a smile both on her face and in her heart.
7:15am.
"Hey buddy it's time to wake up. Come on little dude I got Honeycomb ready for ya."
"Mommy only uncle Tim calls me little dude."
"Oh well pardon me sir. What do you want me to call you...shithead?" Tab said smiling.
"Mommy! Nooooo. I'm your buddy right?" Timmy couldn't help but laugh as he wiped his eyes.
"Ok your my buddy....shithead."
"Mommy! I'm not a shithead." The boy boldly replied as he pulled the covers over his head to hide.
"Timmy! I can't believe you said that...shithead!" Tab giggled as she yanked down the sheet and swept Timmy up over her shoulder.
She carried the boy to the bathroom and let him down.
"Alright get your face and teeth and come on. We've got to leave in about an hour."
1970
"Kids I'm leaving" Momma called out to Tabitha and Timmy.
"Momma, momma wait..."
"Boy come on I gotta get going."
Timmy bolts up to momma standing at the front door.
"I just wanna give you a hug momma."
Momma leans forward and bends down with her arms held out when the boy practically leaps into her arm.
"I love you momma"
"I love you too Timmy. Now don't you miss that bus, you hear me boy?"
"Yes momma."
"I'll see y'all tonight" Momma said while walking out the door.
Timmy shut the door behind her and ran to his sissy room. The boy found his sister sitting on the end of her bed. Tabitha was holding a piece of paper with writing on it. She just stared at the paper not saying a word.
"Whatcha doing sissy? We got to get ready for the bus."
"I forgot to do my project." Tab spoke in a low voice of concern.
Timmy just stood there. Then he climbed up on the bed and sat down beside his sissy and took her hand in his.
"It's ok sissy. Just tell the teacher you will bring it tomorrow, ok?"
"I can't she said I have to bring it today."
The brother and sister sat quietly thinking. Both of their minds raced with thoughts on how to handle the situation.
"Hey we can do it now sissy. I can help you."
"I have to find different kinda leaves it'll take too long."
"But if we hurry..."
"No Timmy! I said no we don't have time now." Tab said in a slightly frustrated voice.
Timmy was a very sensitive child and his whole world revolved around his big sister so when she got upset with him he took it pretty hard. Timmy lowered his head and frowned. Tears began to swell in his eyes. Tabitha realized how much she upset him and put her arm around Timmy and said...
"I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I didn't mean to fuss at you...I'm sorry, really."
But as soon as she spoke Timmy eyes were unable to hold back. Tiny little drops of hurt escaped his eyes and traveled down his cheek. Tabitha felt so bad and kept apologizing again and again while she wiped his face.
"It's ok sissy."
"Know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not going to school."
Timmy abruptly turned his head and looked at Tab in such shock he didn't even know what to say. Skipping school was something Timmy didn't know anything about.
"Why?"
"Cause I don't want to get in trouble for not having my homework so I can do it today and tommorrow I can give it to my teacher."
Timmy didn't know what to think but if his sissy's going to do it then so is he.
Tab and Tim squatted low barely pulling back the curtain to watch the school bus go by. As it pulled away the two looked at each other as their faces grew slight, sneaky little smiles.
"Are we gonna get caught Sissy?"
"Nope!" She replied as she jumped off the couch.
"Come on!"
And that was all it took. Timmy's worries vanished. Timmy followed right behind his Sissy with excitement overflowing. He felt like he was a bad boy and he liked it a lot!
"Ok, you go get your sneakers on and I'll go put on some pants...k?"
"Yep!" Timmy replied in a voice that sounded as if he were about to explode.
It took only a minute for Timmy to be done and then he started dashing for the backdoor.
"Sissy!"
"I'm coming."
Just then she came from around the corner skipping. She went straight to the drawer next to the sink, opened it and pulled out two brown paper bags.
"Ok come on"
The children couldn't get out the door fast enough.
"Now you go that way and I'll go this way. Pick up different leaves not the same kind ok?"
Timmy shook his head up and down and then bolted in the direction he had been instructed to go. They spent nearly a half an hour investigating leaves that laid on the ground. Tabitha had drifted far back towards the beginning of the woods where they very rarely went. Beside the spot she searched was an old doghouse that had been there since before they even moved into the house. Tabitha leaned over beside a small tree that began the trail into the forest when she heard an odd noise. The sound was of lightly rustled leaves. When she turned around and saw what was making the noise her eyes grew as big as dinner plates...
"Oooohhhh"
She mumbled as she quietly and slowly backed away from the doghouse. And when she got far enough away she flew as fast as her little feet would carry her over to where her brother was still searching.
"Timmy! Timmy!" Tabitha screamed out.
Timmy, shocked by her callings, jumped as he quickly turned around.
"What, what Sissy, what?!"
"It's a snake!"
"A snake! Where?!"
Tab turned right back around and rushed back towards the doghouse. Then she stopped suddenly.
"Wait! Shh" Tab signaled with her finger over her lips.
"Be quiet so he don't hear us."
The siblings walk cautiously towards the area where Tab had first encountered the frightening sight. The closer they got the more anxious Timmy became.
"Where I don't see no snake?"
"Ahhh!" Tab screamed as she jumped back grabbing Timmy's shirt sleeve along the way.
"That?! Is that what you scared of?"
"It's a snake Timmy. Watch out!"
"Awe Sissy?! It's just a baby snake."
"So, he can still bite!"
"Nu uhh! He's a green snake and green snakes don't bite peoples!" Timmy informed her with his hands on his hips, his head shaking side to side, his bottom lip poked out and speaking in a sarcastic voice.
After he lectured his sister on what snake it actually was he walked confidently over to it leaned down and picked it up.
"See. He didn't bite me stupid!"
"Don't call me stupid, stupid!"
Just then Timmy stepped closer to Tab to scare her.
"Ahhhh! No get away from me. I don't like snakes Timmy!"
Realizing the fun to be had Timmy got closer and closer. But Tabitha ran as fast as she could with Timmy not far behind. The children ran all across the yard with Tab in front screaming and Timmy following closely behind barely able to breathe from laughing. It wasn't long before the devious little boy gave up. Out of breath from chasing and laughing he stopped to catch his breath.
"Ok Sissy I'm sorry I won't do it no more I promise"
Timmy decided that the snake was his new pet so he tried to think of a name of it.
"Ummm, Billy...no. Ummm, Steve...no. Whats a good name for you snake?"
"Why don't you just call him snake?" Tab said while fearfully walking near.
"That's dumb."
"Well you can't think of a better one."
"Hey yea! I'm gonna call you dummy!" Timmy smiled and chuckled.
He took his new friend, Dummy, ran to the shed to find something to make a house for the snake. In the shed was a small stack of various size boxes. With Dummy in his right hand the boy used his left hand to tear through the stack. He found a box that once held a toaster in it. It was perfect. Then he took the box and his friend out to the yard and pulled up grass and placed it in the box for the snake to have something to crawl through and then gently laid Dummy on top of the grass. Then he ran in the house to the kitchen and sat the box on the table. Timmy went to the silverware drawer and pulled out a knife. He began poking holes in the side of the box for air.
"Hold on, hold on..." The boy said as he threw his hands up. "I better take you out so's I don't cut you huh?"
He sat his snake on the kitchen table and then poked several holes in the box and went back to the drawer to put the knife back in. And when Timmy turned back around his new friend was...gone? Timmy had a look of confusion quickly come over his little face. He opened the box but the baby snake was not there. Then he picked up the box but didn't find his friend there either. The boys eyes slowly followed down the legs of the table carefully searching. But no Dummy there either. The boy began to panic a little went he decided to get on his hands and knees to look. Tabitha entered the kitchen.
"I thought you were gonna help me find some leaves?"
"I am after I find Dummy"
"Find Dummy? Why do you have to find Dummy? Is he lost?"
"Yea he got away when I was making him some holes so he can breathe."
Tabitha's eyes got grew wide as she started to whine.
"Mmmmm Timmyyy"
"I'll find 'em. Don't be scared sissy."
Timmy knelt down low around Tab's feet carefully seeking any sign of movement when out of the corner of his eye he spotted something squiggling it's way around the corner and out kitchen.
"That's him, that's him! Move Sissy!"
Tab pounced straight up like a cat and flew around to the back of the kitchen as far away from the door as she could get. Timmy began crawling behind his friend but quickly stood up to chase Dummy who was getting away.
"Ahhhhhh. Come'ere Dummy. You dummy. No, no, no you can't go in momma's room fur sure! Gothca!!"
Timmy managed to snag a hold of the snakes tail end and lift him up before he slithered his way into momma's room. Then he bolted for the kitchen but as the boy turned the corner to go in the kitchen his sissy was walking out. Crash! The siblings ran right into each other and Dummy slid right out of Timmy's hand. He landed, of all places, on Tabitha's foot! She couldn't move a muscle. Tab was terrified.
"Ohhhh get him off meee" She begged as she started to cry.
"I got 'em ok. I got 'em see." Timmy assured his sister while he just could not hold back laughing.
Tab took off to her room and slammed the door. Through her bedroom door she yelled.
"Get it out of here right now Timmy! It's not funny and momma's gonna get mad if she sees it."
Timmy came back out of the kitchen with Dummy safely in the box.
"Ok, ok...grouch!"
The great snake escape was over. Timmy had put Dummy, in his new home of course, back by the doghouse so momma wouldn't find him. Then he returned to Tab's room and knocked on her door...
"Sissyyyy can I come in?"
"Do you still got that snake?"
"No I put him out by the doghouse, ok?"
Tabitha opened her door.
"So are you gonna help me or not?"
"Yep!"
The brother and sister went back outside to search for more leaves. Tab and Timmy had found as many different leaves as they could. So the children went back into the house to Tab's room and sat down on the floor to start putting the project together.
"Ok, ummm...we need glue and crayons and..." A look of worry again came over Tab's face.
"What. What's wrong?"
"I forgot, I don't have no poster board." Her face frowned up as she spoke.
The two had only sat there thinking for just a moment when Timmy jumped up from the floor and took off running.
"Where you going?"
"I'll be right back."
A few seconds later he returned with a big, whole sheet of white poster board.
"Where did you get that?"
Then Timmy turned the poster board around and showed Tab what was on the other side.
"See, you can used dis side and nobody can see what's on my side." Timmy said with a smile on his face.
One side Timmy had used for a class project of his own. He had to draw a house and all his family in it. The other side was clean and untouched. It was perfect. Tabitha's frown disappeared. Timmy sat back down on the floor. Then sissy ran to her bag she used for her books and returned with glue and crayons. The team worked hard on the poster. Tab wanted it to be the best one in the whole class and Timmy wanted to do his best for his Sissy. They glued leaves on it and then traced around the leaves with different color crayons. Tabitha wrote her name at the top and looked in the book her teacher let the children take home to find the names of the leaves. She only found a few but she was happy with that. Then she had to write which one was her favorite then she was done. Her teacher told her to just do the best that she could and she did. Tab and Timmy stood up and took a good look at their work.
"That's pretty Sissy. I like it."
"It looks real good don't it? Thanks for helping me."
Then she put her arm around his shoulder, pulled him close and kissed him on his cheek.
"Ewww! Now your my girlfriend!" Timmy claimed while wiping his cheek.
They both let out a big roaring laugh and then cleaned up their mess.
Tabitha and Timmy went to the kitchen to get something to eat. After their busy morning they realized that they had not even eaten breakfast. So by this time they were very hungry.
"What do you want?"
Timmy just shrugged his shoulders. Tabitha went over to the side of the refrigerator and pulled out the little yellow step ladder. She climbed up onto the counter and began searching the cabinets.
"Peanut Butter sandwich Sissy!"
Tab pulled out the jar and handed it and the bread to Timmy.
"I wanna make mine."
"Ok here." Tabitha got Timmy a butter knife from the drawer and Timmy began to spread the peanut butter on.
"Heyyyy do we have some bananas?"
"Bananas? What do you want bananas for?"
"This boy in my class he was eating a banana and peanut butter sandwich. And he let me have a bite and it was goo-ood!"
"Gross! No we don't have any."
"Daggonit! I'm gonna ask momma to buy me some bananas."
After lunch was over and they had cleaned up the two tried to figure out what to do next.
"Can we go to Jake's house and play?"
"No Timmy they went to school remember?"
"Oh yea."
"Wanna go to the mountain?"
"Yea! Then I can show baby bird and Lutentin Jack my snake!"
"Timmy! Please don't take him."
"But sissy I want to. I promise I won't go where you are at all! I'm gonna keep Dummy far away from you...ok?"
"Ok...come on then."
The two headed out to their mountain with Dummy, in his new home, held tightly under Timmy's arm.
"Hey Sissy, can I go show Mrs. Baker my snake?"
"She don't wanna see no snake."
"How do you know. She might even like snakes!"
"Ok, ok we'll go to Mrs. Baker" Tab replied throwing her arms in the air.
The children walked up to her door and knocked. But no one answered. So they knocked again and still no answer.
"Kids, over here." Mrs. Baker called out.
She was in the corn field gathering a few pieces to strip and make vegetable soup with.
"Ms. Baker look what I got!" Timmy yelled out impatiently while running towards her.
"What do you have honey?"
Timmy opened the box and Mrs. Baker bent slightly over it to see.
"Oooo a snake?"
"Yea and his name is Dummy"
"Dummy?" The lady said giggling.
"Do you like snakes?"
"Well...they're ok but I wouldn't have one for a pet."
"See! She don't like snakes Timmy!"
"Nu-huu!"
"Children don't argue. I think snakes are just fine. I just wouldn't want one living in my home. I mean, what would happen if it got away and snuck in the bathroom while I was in the tub? I'll tell ya what...I'd jump up and run outside even if I was naked" Mrs. Baker said with a smile on her face and a gleam in her eyes.
The children busted out laughing.
"Well you little curtain climbers, why aren't y'all in school?"
The two looked at each other startled. They had never considered that Mrs. Baker would know they were suppose to be in school at that time. The look of shock was apparent on both their faces. Tab and Timmy didn't know what to say. Mrs. Baker stood there reading the siblings reactions.
"Well, if you don't wanna tell me that's ok. You don't have to. But I'll tell you two a little secret but you have to promise not to tell anybody, ok?"
Still caught off guard and unable to speak they just shook their little heads yes.
"I did something one time when I was little that I never told anybody about until now. If my mother found out I would be in so much trouble. Ooooooo boy would I be in trouble! You know what I did?"
The two were mesmerized with anticipation.
"What?" They said at the same time.
"I skipped school!" She whipered in a low secret voice.
Tabitha and Timmy were even more surprised then. When they turned to look at each other Ms. Baker was barely able to hold back her laugh.
"So, what are you two up to today, hmmm?"
Timmy put his box on the ground and stepped close to his sissy to whisper in her ear.
"If Ms. Baker did it then we can tell her, right?"
"But what if she tells momma?"
What the children didn't know was that their whispers weren't very quiet at all. And as if by magic.
"You know kids, I would never tell any secrets that either one of you told me never, ever, ever, I promise."
"Ms. Baker we snuck out of school today." Timmy blurted out.
"Timmy!"
"It's alright honey. Don't be worried I promised I wouldn't tell and I won't. But will you tell me why you little devils skipped today?"
"Cause I forgot my homework." Tab said in a voice filled with fear.
"Ohhh sweetie come here." Ms. Baker rapped her arm around the frightened little girl and assured her that her secret was safe.
"Now I won't tell but you know y'all can't be doing this all the time, right?"
"Yes ma'am." Tabitha replied as Timmy shook his head yes.
"Whew, I have got to sit down my darlings. Come on over here."
The gentle soul walked a few feet to the end of the stalks to a chair she had brought to rest on.
"Now, I want you two to tell me the truth now, ok?"
Again they didn't know what to say.
"It's ok sweethearts I'm not gonna tell your mother anything we talk about like I promised. Please tell me the truth. Have y'all ever skipped school before?"
"Noooo. Never, ever, ever!" The children claimed.
"Ok then, I believe you. But if you ever think about doing it again promise me you'll come and talk to me first, ok?"
"Yes ma'am. I promise." Replied Tabitha
"Yea, me too. I promise too." Followed Timmy
"Ok! Well then. I'm pickin some corn to make soup with. Do you two wanna pick some to take home with you?"
"Can we Sissy?"
"Yea and we can pick some for you Mrs. Baker if you tired."
"Well how sweet but I think I'll be ok. I need the exercise. Now Timmy run on in my house and sitting on the floor next to the kitchen bench is a basket, grab that so y'all can put your corn in it, ok?"
"Yes ma'am."
Timmy returned with the red-plaided cloth covered basket and the three went into the field to pick. Mrs. Baker showed the children how to find the best pieces. She picked from the top of the stalk and Tabitha and Timmy picked from the bottom. When they finished the siblings had a full basket of big, long, thick ears of good old southern sweet corn.
The children were quite proud of their hard work as was their elderly friend.
"Boy oh boy, I tell ya, you two sure are hard workers." She praised with a wink and a smile.
"Now I think all that hard work deserves a treat, don't you?" Mrs. Baker bent over close to the children and said.
"Do you got some treats at your house?" Timmy asked with big excited eyes.
"Now you know I've always got treats here just for my two favorite little curtain climbers."
She smiled at the two excited children and motioned them to follow her home. As they exited the field Mrs. Baker stopped to fold up her chair to put it back by the front door of her trailer when Tab went up to her and said.
"I can carry this for you Ms. Baker. I'm big so I can carry it."
"Well, you little angel, thank you Tabitha, very much."
For the remainder of their visit Ms. Baker and the children spent together at the kitchen table drinking sodas and eating homemade oatmeal cookies made especially for her two little friends.
(later that evening)
"Kids dinner." Momma called out.
Tab and Timmy were in Tab's room playing when they heard the call. The siblings leaped up and headed for the kitchen.
"No, no, no, go wash your hands." Momma caught them as the two reached for their chairs.
The children zipped back around and headed for the bathroom and then quickly returned to the table.
Momma had fixed for dinner one of the children's favorite meals, biscuits and gravy. They never understood that it was an extremely cheap meal was the reason for momma fixing as much as she did, all they knew was that it was good.
"So, y'all like dinner?" Momma asked.
"Mmmmm" was the only reaction that Timmy was able to produce as he stuffed his little mouth.
"Yes ma'am! I love biscuits n gravy momma!" Said Tab.
"Well you two, how 'bout, after we eat we go to Ms. Baker's and ask her if we can pick some of her corn?"
And just as they had done a couple of times already that day, the two looked with wide eyes and all at each other, not knowing what to think. Neither one of the siblings could utter a word and had forgotten all about the corn they had brought home from earlier that day. They just shook their heads yes.
Dinner was done. The children had thought of every possible way to keep momma from going to Mrs. Bakers. They told momma to go lay down while they cleaned off the table. They washed the dishes, they dried the dishes and put them away in hopes that by the time they were done momma would be fast asleep. But, no luck.
"Well, what's gotten into you two?" Momma asked as she stood at the doorway.
The sister and brother were at a loss for words. All they understood was that if Ms. Baker said anything about them not going to school then they were in big trouble! And it was not a matter of whether or not they trusted their old friend, it was just that the children knew they had done something they should not have and they were deathly afraid of getting caught.
"Well? Are you two ok? "
"Yes ma'am." The two responded.
"Alright then. Let's go"
(knock, knock, knock)
That old familiar sound of traveling feet that caused the tiny trailer to wobble instilled concern in the children. They had hoped that Ms. Baker would be asleep or just not hear the door at all.
"Well...what a pleasant surprise. Come on in Ms. Heartly, how have you been?"
"Oh just fine ma'am, just fine. Working a lot though."
"Yes, honey I know what you mean. I did many, many a 12 hour shifts in my day. So what can I do for ya?"
"Well, the kids and I were wondering if you would mind if we picked a little bit of your corn?"
And with an instant look of confusion knowing the children had already taken corn home that very day and without even thinking about the fact that the children skipped school the sweet old lady replied.
"My goodness, I know y'all didn't eat up all that corn already, did ya?"
And the moment those words left her mouth Ms. Baker thought that perhaps she had just made a big mistake and told on Tab and Timmy.
"You two already came over here and picked corn? Why didn't you say so? When did y'all come over here, today?" Momma turned to the brother and sister who were both too scared to look at her while she spoke. All that could be managed was Tabitha shaking her head up and down responding yes they had already been there while Timmy was too frozen to make even that slight gesture.
"Oh, honey, no I brought some corn over there to the kids to give to you. But they must had forgotten about it." The kind lady tried to lie though it was too late. No use in trying to reverse the damage now. Momma had already caught on that something was being hidden by both the children and Ms. Baker.
"Well, thanks anyway Ms. Baker. I guess they did forget to tell me about the corn we already have. We'll be going now and we won't be bothering you no more." Momma said in a slightly firm, angry voice.
"Oh no, no, no it's no bother, really. Please go ahead and pick all the corn you want. I don't mind. In fact, I was going to ask you if you mind the children coming over tomorrow, after school and helping me to pick some more?"
"I don't think so Ms. Baker. The children have their own work to do at home and aren't suppose to be running around after school anyways."
Momma hurried the two out the door of Ms. Baker's trailer as she stormed off she instructed the children to say goodbye. They both turned back around and with the look of pure terror in both the little ones eyes they managed to let out a whimpering little good bye. Ms. Baker, realizing her mistake mouthed to the children, I'm sorry.
The entire walk home neither Tabitha or Timmy dared to look at momma and they were both too afraid to speak. As the three climbed up the steps of the back porch momma spoke.
"Where's the corn?!"
"Right there momma." Tab said as she pointed to the far right side of the porch.
Timmy grabbed the handle of the screen door to open it and walk in the house with Tab right behind him.
"I ain't done with y'all yet!" Momma screamed.
She walked over to the basket, picked it up and said.
"God damn! Not only did y'all lie and leave the house after school, when I told y'all not to, but ya bring back this shit!" And with that momma throws the basket out into the yard. Then she turns back around, looks at the children and screams.
"Don't just stand there! Get in the fucking house now!"
With both the children crying and shaking nervously, Timmy again reaches for the screen door and quickly enters the house. Tabitha, who was directly behind him simply wasn't moving fast enough. So momma stepped up behind her and shoved the girl in the door. Tabitha stumbled forward, falling onto Timmy. Both children fell to the floor. Momma slammed the door behind her staring down at the children crying uncontrollably while they scrambled to stand back to their feet.
"Momma I'm, sorry, I'm sorry, we didn't mean to sneak out" Tabitha pleaded in between breaths.
Momma leapt towards her and grabbed the terrified little girl picking her up by her neck and slammed her against the wall behind her.
"That's a stupid fucking thing to say. Don't you fucking lie you little bitch you snuck out because you wanted to didn't ya?" Momma said now face to face with the girl while gritting her teeth.
Between her crying and momma holding her tightly by the throat Tabitha couldn't catch her breath much less speak, so she just nodded her head yes. And in that instant momma let go of her throat and started slapping the girl across the face. Tabitha fell to the floor and curled into a little ball while momma repeatedly pounded on the girls back. Out of breath momma stops for a moment. Then she turns to Timmy who by this time was trying to hide on the side of the refrigerator. Curled up himself, backed up against the wall as far as he could get, the boy began screaming when he saw his momma walking towards him. Lost for words the child cried, screamed and just kept shaking his head no. Momma grabbed the boy by his shirt and dragged him through the kitchen, down the hall and into his room slamming the door behind her.
Only when Tabitha, herself, was in so much pain that she could think of nothing else, did she not run to his door beating, screaming, begging for momma to leave her brother alone. This, was one of those times she did nothing.
Thank God momma never found out that they skipped school.
It must be given breath
truth, reality, life.
The only weight
you have left to bare, so
bare witness
not for me or the others
you've damaged
but for yourself.
Say it
and then go
where love
has more to offer
than this lie
could ever fathom.
- Mood: hurting and i don't know why
Honestly, I want her to die. Yea, I know that sounds evil but if you knew what I know about death you would understand.
FUCK! Micheal is threatening mother to move out if she doesn't start taking better care of herself. He said he can't watch her just lay in bed and die. I understand that. I really do. He had a HREALLY HARD time when Junior just up and left a few weeks ago and actually confided in me that it broke his heart to finally have his only brother back in this life only to have him just disappear again. Which, is the same thing as a death. And now this? He's not handling this very well. But, neither am I! Not that anyone notices!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But shit! If he leaves, moves out then I would have to move in with her to take care of her... God damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's selfish but I'm just learning to NOT let her rule my life and now this?!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love my home. Yes, 1060.00 a month is alot for a little two bedroom apartment but I've been here for four years now and I don't want to give it up! Everything about this little apartment is everything I want my life to be about! It's quiet, calming, loving....I don't want to give it up. Please, please God... And my kitchen?! I love my little fruits & vegetables decorated kitchen. My home is airy, full of spirit and sweetness. My father and grandmother visit me often here. I don't want to go to her fucxed up, closed in, stale, sick with lies and deception, bullshit, let's hide the truth and pretend that everythings ok and we're fooling everybody DUNGEON! It stinks in that house, LITERALLY!!!!! No matter what I do it still stinks! Who in the hell has windows put in their house that CONNOT be opened?! Why would she do that?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waht am I going to do...why won't she just die?
Tabitha, with her heart racing so fast she felt as if it were going to explode right there in her chest, sat up in her bed taking a brief look around as she calmed. However quickly frustration set in with her reminder that once again, the real torture begins. It was bad enough that the memories haunted her but when Tim was around things got even worse. Her belief that the reason her brothers life had become an even worse hell in his later years was all her fault was indeed a nightmare for her to deal with everytime she saw his face. She looks at the clock knowing that Tim would be arriving on the bus at 9:35 am. She got out of bed and went to the kitchen and as always started her coffee. Then she walked to little Timmy's room and informed him that it was time to wake and get ready to pick up big Tim. It only took the one time for the three year old to be told. He very much loved his uncle and was quite anxious to see him.
"Come on buddy. You want cereal for breakfast?"
"Yea mommy. Mommy can I give big Tim his surprise?"
"Yea"
Tab strolled slowly, with a weary head that could only be topped by her aching heart, towards the bathroom. She sat upon the toilet and began to tinkle while her face she laid resting in her hands. The exhausted woman then went to the sink, washed her hands and pulled a clean rag from the shelf over top the toilet and held it under the running water until she could no longer withstand the temperature. She then squeezed out as much excess water as possible and placed the heated rag over her face. Standing there for the few seconds it took for the rag to cool down over her face, images from the night still flooded her mind. As early as it may have been she could not deny first first instinct. Tabitha needed a drink. Pulling the rag form her face, reheating it and then wiping the sleep from her eyes she stood there staring at herself in the mirror. Now back in her usual, I-refuse-to-invest-myself-in-you-even-if-y
"Mommy...can I hab a spoon?" The four year old's sweet little voice spoke gently.
"Oh...yea. Sorry."
"Mommy..."
"What boy!"
"Can I had somfin to drink please?" He asked fearfully.
Frustrated Tab walked to the frig and pulled out a drink box of orange juice.
"Thank you mommy"
Yet again, no response.
Tab walked into her room, went to her closet and pulled from the top shelf and bottle of vodka hidden in her shoe box. She unscrewed the top and tilted straight up. An enormous gulp of liquid stamina rushed down the back of her throat sending a very harsh but warm feeling that swept throughout her entire body before she even brought the bottle down from her lips.
9:26am
Tab and little Timmy stayed outside of the terminal sitting on the hood of the car while waiting for Tim. By this time Tab had thrown down a couple good swallows from her hidden treasure and just as it always did her "friend" managed to relax her; sooth her and boost her mood making her ready for anything the day may have coming.
9:41am
The bus pulls up a few minutes late but no matter. Both Tab and little Timmy were too excited to even take notice. As it pulled slowly to the curb a familiar face Tab saw in the last window of the bus smashed up against the glass with a tongue sticking out eyes crossed. Yep...there he was the same old goofy Timmy she adored her whole life. In the instant it took for her eyes to find him any thoughts of terror had once more deserted her leaving Tab with nothing but pure joy in seeing him home again. For sissy this was yet another chance to "save" her little brother.
"Where is he mommy?" little Timmy questioned jumping up and down as if he was about to wet his pants.
"Look, right there see?"
"No, no, no where?"
"Right there in the back window buddy!"
Tab pointed and little Timmy followed her finger to the window that displayed a face that really wasn't all that familiar, since he had not seen his uncle in so long, but the boy knew nonetheless.
"YEA! YEA! YEA! dat's him mommy, right?" The child was yelling to top of his lungs and swinging his arms frantically over his head.
The passengers began to exit the bus with Tim being the last to get off. Tim leapt from the bottom step of the bus. As energetic and as wild as ever. His red hair had grown longer than what it was when last Tab had seen him. But everything else about her brother remained the same as she always remembered. Tim only stood about 5' 8" and weighed around 180 lbs but his size never seemed to have gotten in his way of finding trouble even when he wasn't looking for it. And if there was one thing Tim was famous for it was for standing up in the face of anything that got in his way. What ever the circumstances backing down was never an option. Consequences meant nothing to the seemingly fearless man.
"Hey, hey, hey! Little dude!!" Tim yelled out with his arms stretched wide open. Little Timmy wasted no time at all dashing straight to his uncle. Once he was within reach Tim grabbed the boy in his arms and slung the four year old straight up as high as he could. Now this little Timmy did recall. He loved it when his uncle would through him up in the air and catch him. Little Timmy felt like he was flying.
Tab slid down from the hood of the car, walked over to Tim and put her arms around him so tight as if it would be the last chance she ever got to hug him. Nothing new, Tabitha always hugged him like it was her last chance. She turned to kiss his cheek when he cocked back his head and looked her in the eyes.
"You been drinking this early?" Tim questioned with a look of surprise.
"Man, get your bags would you and let's get out of here" Tab responded in an attempt to change the conversation.
"What are you talking about, this is my bags." Tim lowered little Timmy to the ground and pulled from around his arm a small gray backpack so small it couldn't possibly have contained more than a few clothes.
"That's it?"
"Sissy, when have you ever seen me get out with much more than the clothes on my back, huh?"
"Sorry."
The three walked to the car and Tim held open the back door for little Timmy to climb in. He then pushed down the lock, shut the door and hopped in the front passenger seat.
"Tab...do you need me to drive?" Tim asked with a slightly sarcastic tone and look on his face insinuating that she may not be in any condition to drive herself. Tab turned her head, cocked it to the right and gave her brother a stern look that let him know right away to drop the subject. So he did.
"Uncle Tim look this is a surprise for you."
Tim turned to little Timmy in the back seat and he handed him a small box. Wrapped with love, the box was covered with layer after layer of the only paper little Timmy had, brown paper that was once a lunch bag. And the boy had put enough tape all around it that Tim had to use his pocket knife to cut it open. After a slight bit of a struggle the contents of the gift inside became recognizable. There it was, a pink and blue box. Tim looked up at Tab and for a moment they both nearly began to cry. Tab had just ran across the candy the day before in the convenience store and as for Tim, well he hadn't seen one of these boxes since the last time he visited his friends baby bird and Lutentin Jack; he left them each a piece in case they "wanted somfin sweet." It was so, so long ago he had nearly forgotten about it until that very moment.
For just a bit all was completely silent in the car. No one spoke not even little Timmy. But not very long at all had passed when little Timmy asked.
"Do you like 'em?"
"I love 'em little dude. This is the best present I ever got. You and mommy did a good job."
"Mommy said you go like this, (motioning as if he were throwing one), and mommy catched it wif her mouth. Do you 'member?
"I sure do little man" Tim giggled at the boy's efforts in putting together sentences.
"And your mommy use to get 'em in my nose, a lot! You know why?"
Little Timmy shook his head no.
"'Cause she throws like a girl!" Tim said with wide eyes and a funny voice.
Now little Timmy didn't really understand what he meant but that didn't stop the boy from putting his hand over his mouth as if he had just said a dirty word, and laughing along with Tim when he made a goofy face and big eyes teasing his sissy.
"When I threw one at her I almost always got it in her mouth." He recalled looking at his sissy with smiling eyes.
"Hey, little dude, wanna try it now?"
Little Timmy bounced in his car seat overjoyed at the thought of throwing one in his uncles mouth.
"Yea, yea, yea, mommy I wanna get out and do it, okay, peeease." The boy pleaded.
Tab thought for just a second and then turned off the ignition. They had not yet left the bus station anyway. Then she opened her door and while stepping out said...
"Oh, come on y'all."
And as happy as could be, little Timmy, Timmy and Tabitha sat in the grass on the side of the bus terminal in a circle throwing pop rocks at each other, missing often but having a wonderful time.
The three arrived back home in time for lunch.
"Tim you can put your stuff in my room or this closet if you want." Tab said as she passed by one of two closets at both ends of the hallway.
"Yep" Tim replies
"Come on big Tim look what I got." Little Timmy tugged at the side of his uncles jeans.
"Okay little dude, ok, damn buddy."
Big Timmy was little Timmy's hero. Things were quite different when he was around. Life was an entirely opposite experience indeed for the four year old. He was never once scared of his uncle, no questioning what does that mean. Is he going to get mad or is he going be happy? He had never once even questioned his uncles love for him, something that was a constant concern when it came to his mother however. But his stays for the most part were a short time happiness experience for Timmy always ending in either Tim getting in trouble with the law and being arrested or in Tab and Tim arguing and Tim leaving.
The team dashed to Timmy's room and the first thing little Timmy ran for was his new truck mommy had got him.
"Wowwww this is nice little dude. If mommy says it's okay we'll go outside and play in the dirt?"
"Ohhhhhh yea mommyyyyyyy" Timmy with super lungs and super speed headed towards the kitchen calling out.
Timmy found his mommy fixing lunch.
"Mommy can I please, please, please go outside with uncle Tim, huh?
Again the boy repeated himself.
"What?"
"Can I go outside with uncle Tim?"
"Yea lunch'll be ready soon." Tab responded with vague emotion."
Tim had followed Timmy to the kitchen and was standing at the doorway.
"Before lunch? We're gonna be all dirty little dude."
"That's ok? Yep we can wash off the dirt. Okay?" The boy said with a look for reassurance. Timmy grabbed his hand and the boys headed for the front door. They ran to the far right corner of the yard where Timmy usually played. There were Timmy had dug many times before was something buried in the ground. Little Timmy began digging up his treasure box. He pulled the corner of the box out then flopped to his bottom on the soft loose ground. He then took his legs and pulled himself forward scooting closer to uncle Tim.
"Hey look at this." Timmy said with eyes wide open.
"This is my treasure box. Look what I got in it too."
For a moment all Tim saw was a small tin box when memories rushed him and he became quite.
"Uncle Tim?"
"Yea, whatcha got there little dude?"
Little Timmy opened the box and inside were the five year old's precious keepsakes which now included an empty strip of white paper that once held his now favorite candy.
"What is this man? Why are you keeping this?"
"Cause mommy said it was your favorite and dats my favorite candy now too."
Tim chuckled at the boy.
"Hey you got fishing worms?"
"Yep...but it's not real...'cause if he was a real worm he would be died now..." Timmy explained matter-of-factly.
"Dead" Tim corrected the boy.
"Yea, dats what I said, died."
"No boy" He laughed "You say that word like this...dead"
"Ohhhhhh I gots it"
"Timmy....." Tabitha called out"
"Tim..."
"Lunch...."
"Come on little dude let's go eat some pizza. And when we get done we'll come back out and go fishin. Is that cool?"
"Yeaaaa...dat's cool!"
9:54pm
After a long day of candy tossing, dirt digging and fishing Timmy's in bed sound asleep. Tim's on the couch and Tab's in her room having a few drinks. She stands up from the bed in complete control, steady....sort of. Carefully she opens her door and walls slowly from her room to the living room. With a false smile she sits in the chair directly across from from her brother. Immediately he knew she had been drinking. Her walk that false show of emotion and her hand always reaching out as if to purposely aim at her target and support herself were clues he had seen for years. Clues that Tab firmly declared did not exist.
"So where's it at?" Tim looked Tab straight in the eye.
"Where's what?"
"Don't give me that. Why do you think your fooling me still?"
"I'm not trying to fool you."
"Oh, well okay then your still lying to me. You think I'm stupid don'tcha."
Tab smiled as she stood up slowly and headed to her room.
"Come on you shithead"
Tim jumped up from the couch and rushed over to Tab grabbing her around her waist from behind picked her up and ran towards her bedroom.
"YYYYYEEEEE HHHHHAAAAA!" He yelled out playfully. Once in her room he put her down and jumped on her bed.
"Would be quiet before you wake up Timmy, stupid!" She walked over to her closet looking back at her brothers expression to what she had said.
"Don't call me stupid, stupid." Tim said with a struggling effort to look serious while pointing his finger.
Tab reached up to the top shelf of her closet to the shoebox that contained her treasure, her new half gallon of vodka. Tim looked at the bottle. Then he looked at Tab and looked at the bottle again.
"What the hell sissy?! What are you turning into some kinda lush?!
"Man...shut the hell up. Of course not it's just cheaper"
This was always Tab's excuse for larger bottles.
"This big ass thing lasts me at least a week!" Far from the truth. The half gallon actually lasted her around three days. But telling lies was more like breathing air to Tabitha, she gave it no thought at all.
"Let's go to the kitchen table and play some cards." Tim suggested.
"You gotta get the cards out of Timmy's room but be quiet please."
Tabitha goes to the kitchen and prepares two shot glasses and two tall glasses for chasers.
"I still cannot believe you chase vodka with freakin milk!"
"Ohh just try it. You might like it ya never know."
"Are you nuts...hell no. That shit'll make me sick as a dog!"
"Naaaa, this is what keeps my stomach settled. Take two aspirin before I go to bed too and I never wake up with a hangover" Sometimes true.
The two sat at the table getting prepared for another of night of any card game that came to mind. Which ever the dealer suggested was what they played.
"Alright now. Got some money?" Tim snuck in there with a daring look.
"Hell no Tim. I know you'll hustle me!"
"Okay, okay, damn it!" He said laughing because he knew she was right.
"Let's see...okay I'm gonna teach you this new game called jailhouse rummy.
"Ohhh wonder where you learned that from." Sissy said sarcastically.
"Yea, yea, what ever."
Tim dealt the cards out and started explaining the game.
"Wait, wait. This is a bit much hold on, we need a shot for this one."
Tab poured them both a shot of vodka and handed her brother his glass.
"Here's toooooo, playing cards" Tab declared with her glass held high.
"Here's toooooo, my nephew's empty Pop Rocks box he's saving in his treasure box."
"What? He's saving it?"
"Yea, he said it's his new favorite now."
"That's sweet." She said with a slightly sad tone in her voice.
The brother and sister tilted the glasses throwing down the first drink they had had together in over a year.
12:03am
"Alright, alright I'm tired of kicking your ass so let's try something else" Tim said while Tab shuffled.
"Howwwww about about...mmmmm...slap jack." The two laughed for a minute at the thought of playing one of their all time favorite games. Feeling wild, a little ripe and right on for the challenge Tim raised his hands in the air as if to motion a touchdown.
"HEEEEEEELL YEA!!!! Now your talkin! Maybe I'm not so tired of kicking your ass after all!"
1:42am
Tabitha surprises her brother with 8 out of 13 wins.
"You ain't as bad as you think you are little brother!" She informed him with a smile of satisfaction.
"Ok, ok ya got me on this one. I'm about done with cards." He said in the middle of an enormous yawn.
"Yea, I need to get to bed. Timmy's gonna be up soon."
And without a thought from either of them they began the same habit learned years ago, the siblings cleaned the kitchen up together.
1:17pm
Monday
Tab woke up with a not-so-bad hangover this time. She got up dragging her feet to the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Then she walked towards Timmy's room but he had already long been up. So Tab headed into the living room and there still found no one. The t.v. was off. But there was a pot of coffee on in the kitchen with a note sitting beside it.
Good morning sleepy head. Speaking of head...how's yours feel? Little dude and me got tired of waiting for you to wake up so we decided to borrow your car and go to the park. Be be back soon.
"Shit!!!" Tab yelled out as she raced for the front door.
"God Damn it Timmy!" Tab stood at the screen door not believing her eyes. He did it again. This subject of him taking her car was one that caused many problems between the brother and sister in the past. Tab was sick and tired of telling him to stop sneaking out with her car when she's asleep. And as he had done time and time again Tim promised to never do it again. Tab wouldn't mind if she knew he was in fact going to the park. But all she could think of was that like so many times before in the past he had once again taken it to go buy drugs. And this time he had little Timmy with him. Tabitha tried to remember if she had bet money while playing cards last night. But her memories were in short, vague bursts revealing no clues. And now with her already slight touch of a hangover combined with anger and fury her head did then begin to throb setting the mood just perfect for her to deal in her own way.
4:41pm
Tab, was pretty much loaded by this time. Although only in the beginning was she seeing red, now, over 3 hours of sitting on her bed listening to the stereo playing "Day After Day" one of Tab's all time favorite songs ever, she had calmed down into her, yea I'm hurting but what the hell else is new party mood.
"....hurry home baby make it soooooon. I give my love to you. Lookin out of my lonely gloom DAY AFTER DAY. BA, BA, BA........BA, BA, BA.........BA, BA, BA, BAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
Then with her hands clinching invisible sticks she played her drums. With every emotion swirling in an all too familiar tornado inside her, Tab blasted down her invisible instrument. Growing up Tab had always dreamed herself into other lives, anything but her own truth lived with the only person she hated more than herself, her mother. Among many other things she had been a veterinarian, a princess, a race car driver and of course a rock star. The one thing that's not changed were these secret moments spent dreaming. And now, as an adult, her dreams became nothing more than bittersweet memories that haunted her every time Tab and her good ol' friends got together, her cigarettes, her ashtray, her gallon jug of milk and her closest friend of all, obviously, her vodka. These items along with her music were all the friends she needed.
5:07pm
Tab was laying back across the bed listening to the music when suddenly she jumped up leaned over to the side of her bed and grabbed her purse on the floor.
"Son of a bitch!"
At that same moment she heard the car door shut. There was no stopping her now. Tab fired to the front door, shoved it open and began her attack.
"You bastard!"
"What the hell's wrong with you?" Tim began to raise his voice as he stepped towards her.
"Holy shit! How much you been drinking?!"
"Ohhh no! Don't even try to switch this around"
"Switch what around God damn it!"
"You took my car again and stole money out of my purse!"
"I didn't touch your purse!"
"Then where's my money?!"
Tim snatched up Tab and stomped his way into her bedroom. He tossed her on her bed then slammed the door closed.
"You fucking drunk! I didn't steal your fucking money!!!! You had a pizza delivered last night!"
Tab starting back in on her brother then abruptly halted.
"I bought pizza?"
"Yea, you bought us a pizza while we were playing cards. You don't remember do you?"
Tab just shook her head no.
"Yea, I took your car. I know I shouldn't have. And I don't expect you to believe me when I said this times different but it is! We were bored and he asked to go to the park, so we went. You need to stop acting like this in front of him. He looks like he's scared to death of you. You know who you remind me of don't you?"
"Don't you dare say that!"
"God damn Tab, why don't you just sleep it off. I'll take care of Timmy. Jesus Christ!"
Even in her intoxicated state she knew her brother was right. She would never admit it but she was a drunk just like her mother. Tim left closing the door behind him and Tabitha laid on her side, curled up and cried herself to sleep.
After talking to his sister Tim went into the living room to check on little Timmy. However, the boy wasn't there so Tim looked outside thinking he might still be in the car but didn't find him. He then turned around and headed towards Timmy's room.
"Hey little dude where are you?"
The closer he got to Timmy's room the clearer the sound of crying became. Tim stood at the door listening and realized that the cries were coming from the closet. He opened the closet door to find little Timmy in the corner with red swollen eyes crying and holding on to his new truck.
"Hey, come here little dude." Tim said as he bent down and picked Timmy up.
As Tim lifted Timmy into his arms the boy lost his grip on his new dump truck. The truck hit big Tim on the back of the head. In an attempt to calm his terrified nephew Tim crossed his eyes plopped on his butt released the boy and dropped backwards. Big Tim was knocked out cold! Little Timmy, who absolutely adored his uncle, let out a slight giggle. Yet his uncle did not move. Timmy called out to him.
"Big Tim. I know your not hurt." The boy claimed as he carefully watched for any response.
"Hey you silly!" He called again. Then he gave Tim a smack on his leg. Still no movement.
And just when little Timmy was about to yell out and pop his uncle again Tim quickly sat straight up holding out his hands to grab the boy growling.
"AAAARRRRR!!!!"
Timmy squealed out. Then tried to take off running but was snatched up by the monster.
"Hey, you hungry little dude?"
Timmy just shook his head yes still giggling.
"Me too let's go find something to eat man."
The two went to the kitchen looking through the frig and the freezer. Then big Tim looked in the cabinets and found peanut butter and instantly he thought of one of his favorite sandwiches. Then he reached over to the end of the counter and grabbed a banana and the bread.
"Come on man sit up here. I'm gonna show you how to make the best sandwich in the world!"
Tim laid out four slices of bread on napkins. He peeled the banana and then sliced it in half and down the middle of each half. Little Timmy watched curiously as his uncle put together something he had never seen before.
"You ever had a peanut butter and banana sandwich?"
"EWWW!!!! I don't like that. I don't like peanut butter and nana samich"
"Have you ever ate one before?"
Timmy shook his head no with a look of disgust on his little face.
"Well you should try one. It's my favorite. It's awesome dude!!"
Timmy, who was leary of the weird creation, continued to shake his head no.
"Ok, I'll tell you what. You just try one bite and if you don't like it I'll fix you something different, ok?"
Timmy looked his uncle in his eyes and asked with a worried tone.
"You not gonna make me eat it all eben if I don't like it?"
Tim looked at the boy and nothing the fear in his eyes asked
"Little dude, does mommy make you eat stuff you don't like?"
"Yea, she said I should eat my food cause some kids don't hab food."
"Does mommy ever hit you?"
Little Timmy shook his head looking like he was ready to cry.
"What's wrong man? Come on little dude, you can tell me. I promise I won't tell mommy. Does she hit really?"
"No but she screams at me all da time. And mommy sleeps all da time too"
Tim put his hand on the back of Timmy's neck and kissed his forehead and said...
"It's ok man. Will you try my sandwich and I'm not gonna make you eat anything you don't like."
Timmy believed his uncle so he picked the sandwich and took a small bite. Big Tim watched closely for his nephew's reaction and then...
"Mmmm" Timmy claimed as his hazel eyes circled wide and a little smile came over the boys face. Big Tim, so happy to see his positive response, also grew a smile, from ear to ear.
"Seeeee. Didn't I tell ya man? It's good huh?"
"Yea, man!"
Together, big Tim and little Timmy, sat at the kitchen table enjoying every bite of, what was now, Timmy's new favorite sandwich.
(ring, ring, ring...)
"Hello" Tim answered
"Hi, may I speak to Tabitha Heartly please?" An unfamiliar voice responded.
"Ummm...she's not feeling well can I take a message?"
"This is her manager calling she was suppose to be here at 7:00 p.m and I need to know what she plans on doing. May I ask who this is please?"
"Yea, this is her brother Tim. Sir...she's really sick. She said she had to go to work and I told her I would call and let y'all know she was sick and I forgot. It's my fault. I'm really sorry."
"Well, Tim is it, this is not the first time your sister's not shown up for work or called and I'm just about tired of this."
"Listen, man please, don't be mad at her it's my fault. Just, can you please just give her this one break? I don't want her to loose her job because of me."
Silence was all that could be heard for several seconds. Tim was trying to think up another lie to tell when the voice spoke...
"Alright. I'm gonna give her this one last break. And I do mean one last break. Will you give her the message that I said that if I don't hear from her by noon tomorrow then that's it. She's fired"
"Yes sir, I will let her know and thanks for understanding."
"Your welcome Tim, Goodbye."
"Goodnight"
Tim hung up the phone feeling just a bare bit of disappointment. Although he couldn't get mad at his sissy for her behavior because he knew he was no different. Neither one of them were all that responsible.
"Is mommy in trouble on her job again?"
Tim looked at his nephew, with his big questioning eyes, trying to figure out what to say to the boy.
"No little dude, she's not in trouble. Her boss knows she's sick. It's ok man."
"Mommy's sick a whole lot." Timmy says aloud to no one.
Tim trie to think of something that would get the boys mind off his sadness.
"You know what?" Tim asks in a chipper voice.
"What?"
"I bet cartoons are on."
Timmy smiled because he knew exactly where to find cartoons on at this time of night. Being left alone often while mommy slept Timmy knew all the cartoon channels well. Big Tim picked up the remote.
"I can do it big dude."
"Mmm well excuse me little dude. Here ya go."
Tim hands Timmy the remote.
"There see. Bugs Bunny. I like dat cartoon."
"Come on little dude."
"I gotta hab a pillow"
"Well then why don't you go get a pillow man." Tim chuckled.
"Do you want a pillow too?"
"Yea sure."
Little Timmy ran as fast as his joyful little feet would carry him to his room. He grabbed the pillow from his bed and ran over to the toy box and grabbed his Batman pillow and bolted back into the living room where his best friend waited for him.
"Here" Timmy tossed the pillow to his uncle.
"Nawww man, I want Batman."
Timmy stepped back shaking his head no.
"Dis is my favorite pillow. I gots ta hab it man."
Tim couldn't help but smile at Timmy.
"I know little dude. I was just kidding. Come on down here."
Little Timmy threw his pillow next to big Tim and leapt on top of it. Tim waited patiently as Timmy flipped and flopped and twisted and turned until he found just the right spot. Then the boy backed up close to his favorite uncle and curled into a little ball. Big Tim wrapped his arm around him and no more than a minute later...little Timmy was happily, quickly and safely asleep.
It was early afternoon when Timmy got dressed and ready to go playing outside with his new Christmas toys. He had gotten from one of the things he wanted most, a cowboy outfit with a lasso, hat, a gun and even the boots.
"Let's go out and play cowboy and you can be the horse. I can get you with my lasso and ride you. And you pretend you are the horse, okay sissy?"
"Maybe later. I'm going to the slide down the mountain."
The brother and sister had thought of an ingenious way to make a slide to go down their mountain with. They used the metal lid that went to the can that held the families wood for the fireplace. Turned upside down the lid held both the children quite comfortably taking turns on who was in front. Sliding down the mountain was their favorite winter time thing to do.
"Can I come too?"
"Yea but I'm in the front."
"Nu-uh, nu-uh you was in the front last time sissy."
"No I wasn't. Remember cause you almost crashed us in the tree?"
"Yea huh cause you got us stuck on the mountain and I had to push and almost fell, remember that?"
"Oh, I forgot that one. Well ok you can be in front this time."
"I can be in front first and you can be in front after me, right?"
"Yea, but don't go to the street like you did last time. 'Cause it scared me. I thought a car was going to hit us."
The children, with a big day of fun in the snow ahead of them, dressed as warmly as they could. Being used to taking care of themselves they were actually very experienced in how to dress for whatever the weather called for.
Tim went to the back door when Tab saw what he was wearing. A red coat that Timmy had long out grown.
"Where's your big blue coat?"
"I don't know. I looked for it, really I did."
"Wait." Then she went to her bedroom and after a few moments returned to the kitchen back door where Timmy waited just like she told him to do.
"Here, put this on."
"NO! I'm not wearin a girls coat."
"You have to 'cause you don't have your coat."
"But I'm not cold sissy! This one's warm."
"Well, your gonna get sick 'cause it's cold outside Timmy."
With no intention of wearing his sissy pink and yellow coat, Timmy ran back to his bedroom to look a little bit harder.
"I got it! I got it!" The boy gladly announced.
Once wrapped up snug, the children headed out the door. Straight to the old, bent, slightly rusted, broken handled silver can top Timmy went. Then the brother and sister sledding team dashed as quickly as their little feet could carry them directly to their favorite place in the whole wide world, yes their mountain.
"Come on, your so slow." Timmy shouted from the edge of the corn field.
The brother and sister arrived at their mountain. And with great determination the team climb to the top and prepared to take on another fearless adventure. With Timmy sitting in the front and sissy in the back she gave it one good push. Swishhhh They rushed down the mountain through the trail that ran parallel to the now vacant corn field and over bumps, twists and turns that tossed about the two tiny bodies as they held tightly onto the their magical sled.
Tab and Tim, red nosed with wide open smiles and every tooth in their mouth on display, their voices raised to limitless heights of both pure joy and a slight touch of fear, glided excitedly down the familiar trail. The empty field with an almost untouched blanket of pure white on the left and naked trees of all shapes and sizes on the right guided the children's journey before splitting into two separate trails. The trail on the left had another short hill that the children sometimes took to further their adventure. However this is the one that Tab spoke of earlier. The one that, if not careful, led straight into the street. But the trail to the right ended about another hundred yards or so with a mound of snow that had piled up on the side of the road from the winter time plowing. To the right Timmy guided the homemade sled and with their screams of excitement reaching heights as never before...PLOP! At that moment the two adventurers could not be seen but their laughter could be heard from miles away.
"WOO-HOO!" Timmy yelled out.
"That was so fun!" Tab joined in. They siblings were as happy as they could possibly be.
"Let's go again. Come on sissy. Come on!" Timmy said while digging his way out of mound of snow.
"Hey...Ssshhhh....." Tab said to Timmy.
The two stood outside of their landing spot to listen to what sounded like kids playing.
"Who's that sissy?"
"I don't know, come on." Tab and Tim as quietly as possible snuck over to where the noise seem to be coming from. A mere few yards from where their silver sled laid awaiting their return, the brother and sister crept up behind a tree and watch the goings on across the street.
"Who are they?"
"How am I suppose to know stupid?!"
"Hey! don't call me stupid. Your stupid!"
"Ssshhhh!" Tab commanded her brother.
They stood there captivated by the sight of a new family in the neighbor hood. There, parked in front of the yard were two trucks and two cars full of stuff. From the car that pulled up last behind the others, two little ones sprang out from the back seat.
"Momma can I get my toys and put 'em in my room?" A brown haired girl wearing a white coat requested.
"No Laurie. Just hold on. Daddy and Uncle Mark are going to unload everything." The girl's mother replied.
"Can I help?" She asked.
"Me too! I wanna help mommy, can I, can I, can I..." A slightly shorter boy also with brown hair jumped in.
"Hold on you two!" Their mother raised her voice just slightly while pulling from the passenger side of the car yet another child. A baby actually. The baby who again had brown hair wore a puffy pink winter suit that covered the babe from head to feet. Obviously a girl of course.
Tabitha loved babies. She loved to pretend to be a mommy. And Timmy upon seeing the younger boy was filled with excitement at the thought of a new playmate.
"Sissy can we go over there?"
"Well, I don't know. Momma said we can't ever go out of the yard. You know that Timmy. We can't 'cause if momma catches us we're gonna be in big, big trouble."
"Nooooo, we can sneak over. It can be a secret. Come on sissy. I wanna play with that boy, please?"
Tab wanted very much to go play as well but her better judgment told her not to.
"Pleeeaassseee sissy?"
"Not today Timmy. It's too late now. Wait 'till tomorrow, ok?"
"Promise?"
"Promise."
The children stood behind the tree watching as the new family carried into the house box after box. Then from the second truck a man pulled out two bikes.
"Look Timmy they got bikes too. They can go riding with us."
The more the children saw the more fascinated they became. From the back of the truck toys galore were taken into the house. Tab and Tim stood watching with their mouths nearly touching the ground. The brother and sister had never seen so many toys. Tab and Tim gave each other a look with sparkled eyes that silently agreed, they had to find a way to make it over there.
For the remainder of the day the new neighbors were all Tab and Tim could think of. Both the children were conjuring up in their minds how to get away with going to visit without getting caught.
7:09 pm
It was way past dinner time and momma still wasn't home. Nothing new. Momma had many times before not come home from work until very late. Sometimes not until the children had long been in bed. And there were a number of times that she didn't come home at all. The first time the brother and sister woke to find no momma they were instantly scared. But by this time her not being there for them when they woke up was something that no longer had that same effect on them. In fact, they really didn't mind at all her not being around. Being on their own made them feel like they were grown-ups in their own house. To be as young, as small, as helpless as Tab and Tim really were they were quite grown-up indeed.
7:23 am
"Timmy, Timmy wake up."
"I wanna go play with the boy." Timmy said before his eyes were even opened.
"Momma didn't come home last night. She's at work now so we can go over there."
The words were like a shot of adrenaline to the five year old. Timmy leaped out of bed. He ran to his dresser to get clothes and Tab went to her room to get dressed as well. After Tab had gotten dressed she went to the bathroom to begin their morning ritual.
"Timmy, you gotta brush your teeth, come on."
No answer for the boy.
"Timmy! I said come on!"
Still no answer. Tab, with toothbrush in hand, went to Timmy's room but did not find him there.
"Timmy where are you?!"
"I'm in here sissy"
His voice came from the kitchen. Tab walked into the kitchen to find the excited boy sitting on the floor of the porch on the outside of the screen door putting on his snow boots.
"Timmy! what are you doing?"
"I'm getting ready to go." He responded with a puzzled look on his face.
"You know you gotta brush your teeth first. And we gotta eat breakfast too"
"I don't want breakfast, I'm not hungry sissy. Pleeease lets just go now."
"No, we gotta brush our teeth and if we don't eat we're gonna be hungry and have to leave to come home and eat."
Timmy took his snow boots back off and followed her to the bathroom. The siblings stood there brushing and staring at each other in the mirror. The two, in fact, had precisely the same thoughts in mind. New friends!" They cupped their hands, filling them with cold water and quickly tossed the water in their mouths. Once they placed their tooth brushes back in the holder they again caught a glance of each other in the mirror. As much the mother Tab was to the boy, she also was a six year old child. The heck with breakfast, they were simply way too excited to even think about eating.
They had not many neighbors and the ones they did have, except for Ms. Baker, had some distance between houses. Just as Tab and Tim's surrounding property was occupied so did the other neighbors all have fields of corn that distanced them. So new neighbors was a really big deal for the two. Especially neighbors that were also kids. Except for each other Tabitha and Timmy had never had many friends.
They made it to the end of the field where the street began. Slowly and with concern knowing what they were doing was forbidden, the children walked across the street. They crossed the yard and started up the front porch when they heard the voice of a little boy from inside the house. That was all it took for the siblings to overcome any fears or concerns they had.
(knock, knock, knock)
Tab and Tim heard the boy yell out.
"Mommy, somebodies knockin' at the door. Mommy..."
Only a moment later the front door opens. And there in the doorway stood the girl, whose name they already knew as Laurie, the boy and their momma holding the baby girl.
As if the children were shocked that someone answered the door, they stood there on the porch with no words that came to mind. The Holt family, however, were quite the chatty and friendly type.
"Well, hello there." The mother said with a slight smile of surprise.
"Hi." Greeted the little girl.
"Hey. Is your name Laurie?"
"Yea how'd you know that?"
"Me and my brother was playing over there and heard your momma say your name."
"What's your name/"
"Tab. Well it's Tabitha but everybody just says Tab. You can say Tab if you want."
"Hey I'm Jake. What's your name?" The boy introduced himself boldly.
"I'm Timmy. Can you come out and play?"
"Mommy can I?"
"No sweetie it's too cold out today. But if you two would like you can come in and play. The house is pretty messy but you can still come in."
The brother and sister looked at each other for just a moment knowing what each other was thinking. What should they do? Would momma find out? Would momma get mad if she was looking for them but couldn't find them? These were typical of the questions that plagued the children's minds with every decision they made. However excitement quickly vanished any reasoning the two may have attempted at the overwhelming thought of new friends to play with. That and of course their curiosity about all those toys in all the boxes.
"But we have to go home in a little bit, okay?"
"Sweetheart, you can go home anytime you want. Actually, why don't you go let your mother know where you are so she won't be worried, okay?"
Now there's one thing the two had learned to do very, very well, lie. And they had become pretty quick about it too.
"We told our momma we was coming over here to play with the new kids and she said it's okay." A very quick witted Timmy responded.
"Oh, well okay if your mother said it's okay then I suppose you can come on in."
Although a slight bit of hesitation remained, the children slowly entered the once empty house. Before the new family Tab and Tim would sneak into the empty house to play. They actually had been caught a couple of times there by momma and had gotten into some pretty serious trouble. However, even being punished for leaving the yard or going outside when momma was at work never seemed to stop the adventurous pair. Many, many days of pure boredom staying in the house for ten hours a day, (and sometimes even longer), had given Tab and Tim a brave view on their limitations. If momma doesn't find out, who cares? So with as much careful planning as two young souls could manage they had indeed gotten away with their little deceptions many times.
"Come on." said Jake to Timmy. Then off the two boys ran straight to Jake's new bedroom.
Tabitha just stood there in the living room at the front door not really knowing what to do or what to say. Her only friend for as long as she could remember was Timmy so aside from a few family members, that she rarely ever saw, and a couple kids in the children's church the siblings sometimes attended, Tab had never had a girl for a friend.
"Me and mommy are making some cookies. You wanna help?" Invited Laurie
Tab just stood there and shook her head up and down and with a little smile that now barely sparked upon her face. First Laurie, then Tab walked through the living room to the kitchen followed by Laurie's mommy. Laurie and Tabitha climbed into chairs at the table while Mrs. Holt carefully placed the baby girl in her highchair. Mrs. Holt then reached into the cabinet and pulled out a bowl and divided the cookie dough between Tab and her new friend.
"Laurie would you show Tab where the bathroom is so she can wash her hands before y'all get started?"
"I know where the bathroom is." said Tab
"How do you know where my bathroom's at?" asked Laurie with sequenched eyebrows.
"Me and my brother use to play over here."
"Oh, well then go ahead sweetie. Wash them real good so you can roll cookie balls in your hands, okay?"
"Yes ma'am."
"I need to wash my hands too mommy 'cause I got up from the table and they might be dirty again."
The two little ladies stood at the sink first wetting and then rubbing the bar of soap all over their hands. All the while asking questions and gathering information on each other.
"Where do you live?" Laurie began the investigation.
"Down that way" Tab swung her arm behind her to motion towards her house not too far down the road. When she did she accidentally splattered Laurie's shirt with water and soap bubbles. Tabitha's eyes grew as big as circles as her little mouth dropped. She quickly became frightened that she would be in trouble or that her friend would be angry. But her fear subsided when Laurie looked down at her wet shirt then looked at Tab and busted out in a loud, roaring laugh. At first Tab was surprised at her response but soon joined in. The girls finished washing and drying their hands then Laurie took Tab by her hand and dashed off to her room. While Laurie changed her shirt Tab stood in front of a long white shelf that stretched from one end of the wall all the way across to the other end. Lined up side by side were the most beautiful porcelain dolls. Some stood up supported by stands and some sat on the shelf. Bright, colorful dresses, gowns and even one in a pretty nightgown. Such pretty faces with little red and pink lips and shining eyes of all colors demanded Tabitha's attention as she stood there amazed in how real the dolls looked and how very beautiful they were. Tab had never seen such lovely dolls or so many of them.
"Wow, are you rich?" Tab asked
"I don't know, why?"
"'Cause you got so many baby dolls. I only got three and one of them only has one eye cause Timmy pulled the other one out a long time ago. But I never saw pretty dolls like that."
"My mommy got me some and my daddy gave me that one and that one and then Santa Claus gave me some too. Daddy made me this really long shelf to put 'em on so they didn't get messed up."
"How many you got?"
"Ummm I got seventeen dolls up there and I got these over here on my dresser and that's four more but this one is my favorite. I call her Angel Baby"
Laurie walked over to the nightstand next to her bed and reached for a tiny little porcelain baby sleeping on her belly in a little basket. The precious doll was only three inches long and had long dark lashes, sweet little pink lips and rosy red cheeks with her tiny hands folded under her head. Tabitha instantly fell in love with the mini bundle of joy.
"Girls, are y'all coming or not?"
"Come on Tab."
The girls ran back to the kitchen jumped up into their chairs and began making little round balls and placing them on a cookie sheet. Once they were done Mrs. Holt slid the cookie sheet in the oven and the girls again washed their hands and then went into Laurie's room to play.
It was 3:00pm and Tab and Tim knew it was time to say goodbye to their new friends. The brother and sister had spent the day playing, eating lunch and then cookies for desert. Timmy played cowboys and Indians and spaceman with Jake. Tab played school in Laurie's room, colored and played with Sara, Laurie's little sister. Everywhere Tab went she toted little Sara with her.
The whole walk home all they could talk about was how much fun they had claiming it to be the best day ever. Once home Tab went to work cleaning up her room and Timmy did the same. Then the two happy little souls decided to fix momma dinner. Tonight's menu, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As was their normal routine Tab fix the food and Timmy set the table. Tab and Tim, once done fixing dinner decided to play slap-jack while they waited for momma to get home. Tab won the first hand. Then they played another, then another and again another.
Tabitha began to wonder where momma was and if she was even coming home. It was nothing for her to not come home one night but for her to be gone two nights in a row was something new and cause for alarm for the five and six year old brother and sister.
"When is momma comin home sissy?"
"I don't know. She must be workin' alot."
"But I don't want her to work so much. I want her to come home now. What if she never comes home?"
"Mommas gonna come home she's just workin, ok!" Tab slightly barked at Timmy out of frustration from her own concern. The already worried boy then began to cry.
"It ok Timmy. I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's okay, don't cry. Mommas alright. I bet she'll be home real soon."
"Really?"
"Yea. Lets go eat ok? You hungry?"
Timmy shook his head and in a little squeaky voice cried yes. The siblings stood up and sissy took the bottom of her shirt and wiped Timmy's eyes. Timmy tried to calm down, his tiny chest jumping as he tried to catch his breath.
"I'm sorry. I won't get mad again, I promise."
"Okay"
They went into the kitchen sat at the table and began to eat there dinner. While eating Timmy's eyes began to get heavier and heavier. He tried to keep them open but soon gave in and just laid his little head on the kitchen table. To swallow the small bite of sandwich that remained in his mouth was a bit too much to ask of the boy, so with the bite stuffed in his right cheek Timmy easily and quickly drifted off to sleep. Tab sat at the table with her head propped up by her hand. She leaned heavily while she too could barely stay awake. After her bobbing head nearly hit the table twice, she gave in and laid her head down as well. What a great day. What an exhausting day.
1:10 am
"Sissy.....sissy!" Timmy whispered in her ear.
"Momma's still not home. I falled asleep when I was eating."
Sissy got up and told her brother to go to bed. But Timmy, already concerned about momma not being home still, did not want to sleep in his bed alone.
"Can I sleep with you, please?" He begged with swelling eyes.
"Come on." Tab took his hand and he followed her to bed. They were so tired that they didn't bother putting on pajamas. Tab pulled down the blankets and told Timmy to climb in and then followed behind him. She turned on her side with her back facing her brother. Timmy scooted as close as he could behind his little mommy and wrapped his short little arm around her. This was one of the most peaceful, safest places he knew. With sissy by his side, everything was going to be just fine.
The following morning came and still no momma. It had now been three days and two nights since the children heard from her. She was never gone for this long. While they sat at the table eating breakfast there was only two thoughts running through their minds, obviously one was where's momma. And as you might guess their only other thought was about going back to play with the Holt children again today. After breakfast and morning chores were done off to the neighbors they hurried. Again the happy children spent their day playing. This was a whole new world for the brother and sister and they just couldn't get enough of the new friends. And as they did the day before, the time came when the two said their goodbyes and walked home even more overjoyed than the day before.
"I like Jake. He's got so many toys and he lets me play with all of 'em."
"I like Laurie too and I like pretending I'm Sara's mommy too."
The children walked up to the yard when they noticed something that caused such shock they both nearly began to cry. Momma's car was in the driveway. The two nervous children didn't know whether to be happy because she was finally there or to be afraid for not being home.
Tab and Timmy open the back door as slowly as possible hoping to be able to sneak in without momma hearing them, their two little hearts beating fast. Both the little souls held their breath while tiptoeing in the door. Timmy's head was bombarded with the possible punishments that surely were soon to come. Tabitha instructed her brother to go to his room while she went looking for momma. Timmy, with his little nose turning red and his eyes swelling shook his head no. He didn't want his sissy to leave him. Tab took him by the hand and walked with him to his room.
"I'm gonna be right back, okay?"
"Noooo, sissy I want you to stay with me"
"I'm just gonna see where momma is. I promise I'll be right back,"
"Promise?" The terrified boy begged as he was no longer able to hold back the tiny streams.
Sissy shook her head yes and then slowly and as quietly as possible closed his door behind her. Tim hopped up on his bed and waited for her return.
Quietly Tab walked down the hallway that seemed to grow longer with every step she took. First she checked out the living room but found no one there. Then she turned back around and headed for the kitchen but again momma was not there either. Then she began walking towards mommas bedroom when she heard a noise that startled her so that she jumped enough that for just a brief second her feet actually lifted up from the floor. Such a shock forced the frightened girl into releasing tears of her own. Gradually as cautiously as possible Tab crept up to mommas door and placed her little eye against the key hole. There was momma laying across the bed out cold. From the limited view of the keyhole Tab wasn't able to see that the cause of the sudden noise was from the beer bottle that dropped to the floor from mommas hand. Although her little heart was still racing Tab did begin to slowly calm down now believing momma was fast asleep. She continued to peak through the hole watching carefully for any movements made. After a couple of minutes the little one felt fairly certain that momma was out for the remainder of the day and probably all night as well. Along with being well experienced in being home alone the children were just as use to being home alone even when momma was there. Tabitha went straight to Tim's room, opened the door and found him hiding between his bed and the wall. He too had heard the crash of the bottle hitting the wood floor and reacted with just as much fear as Tab did.
"Timmy? Where are you?"
"Down here. Is momma mad?" Barely able to speak in between gasps he forced out the words believing that the sudden noise meant something really bad was about to happen.
"Mommas asleep. Come on"
As instructed Timmy climbed from behind the bed and followed his sissy. They went into the kitchen to get something to eat. Tab grabbed the old yellow stepladder and climbed up to the cabinet and pulled out the cereal. When Timmy realized what sissy was doing he went to the frig and removed the milk and placed it on the table. Tab stood up on the counter top are carefully walked passed the sink to the other side where the bowls were kept. She handed two plastic bowls to Timmy and then began to walk back to the other side to climb back down the stepladder. Any other time and she would have simply jumped down but that was not such a good idea at the moment. As she passed back by the sink her little foot slipped and landed with a thud in the sink. With razor sharp reflexes the siblings came to a dead halt! They listened very, very closely to see if they could hear anything that might let them know if the noise had stirred momma. Thankfully all was silent. The children then sat at the table and had honeycomb cereal for dinner. Afterwards as quietly as they could be they both washed their dishes; put everything away and went back to Timmy's room.
Even though it was not even 6:00pm yet the children decided to remain in the room for the night. They both would have rather had been in the living room watching Bugs Bunny but were to worried to wake momma. So instead they settled for playing quietly in Timmy's room until they decided to go to bed.
"Sissy can I sleep wif you again?" Timmy stared sissy in the eyes hoping for the yes that would make him feel safe for the night. She thought about it for a moment.
"No. We sh..."
"Pleeeeaaasssseee, please, please"
"Timmy stop it. We should sleep in our own beds so when momma sees us in the mornin she's gonna think we were here all night."
Reluctantly Timmy agreed. They got dressed for bed. Tabitha told her brother to get in the bed and then she pulled the covers over him and tucked him in.
"That was fun playing with Jake and Laurie and Sara today huh sissy?" Timmy said as he settled down in the bed taking from Tab's hand the little brown bear he slept with every night.
"Here put your bear under the covers with you. Now, you all tucked in?"
"Yep. Can we go back to play with 'em tomorrow sissy?"
"I don't think so. Maybe we should wait for a little while so we don't get caught."
"I hope we can go cause Jake is my bestest friend ever in the whooooole world..." Timmy got quiet for a moment but then finished his sentence...."but your my bestest, bestest friend in the whooole, whooole world sissy. I love you sissy"
With a bitersweet smile Tabitha hopped up on her brothers bed and gave him a big old doggie kiss!
"Ewww." Timmy laughed as he wiped his cheek.
"I love you too. And your my best friend too." She got back down, walked to the door then turned off the light.
"See you in the mornin, okay?"
"Okay, night sissy."
Tabitha then walked back over to take one last peak in the keyhole and found momma still sound asleep. The little girl went to bed feeling like she did good. Momma was asleep. Timmy was going to sleep and she was too. Everything turned out fine.
(sometime during that same night)
SLAM! BOOM! SCREAM!...
Tabitha bolted from her bed in shock. She had been awakened by horrifying but familiar sounds coming from down the hall. Coming from Timmy's room. The panic little one jerked open her door and took off for her brother's room. She tried to open the door but just as it had been many times before the door was locked. Timmy's door was locked with him and momma inside.
"MOMMA!!!!....MOMMA!!!! STOP....MOMMA STOP!!!.........MOMMAAAAAAAAAA...." Tab screamed through the door as loud as she could and she beat on it until her hands throbbed but it did no good. The screams and crashes and heavy slapping sounds were far louder than any of her pleas.
"MOMMAAAAAA!!!!!!!"
1988
"JESUS CHRIST!" Tab yelled out as her entire body bolted straight up in the bed. It took a second for her to realize that it was just a dream.
"Hello" A man's voice answers on the other end of the line.
"Hey you sexy thing you." Tab flirts shamelessly. She knows she can get Jerry to come over and "do her up right" as she would put it. She also knew that a fuck was all Jerry considered her to be worth and she really didn't care. In fact that was all he was to her.
"So you horny little bitch. I guess it's time to come over there and give you what you need again huh?" He boasted.
"Man, just shut the fuck up and get over here!" She demanded.
"Oooo yes ma'am, be right there. Give me 10 minutes."
And with that Tab got up off the couch with her cup in hand and went straight to the bathroom for a quick shower. Once out Tab throws on a t-shirt. No sense in playing around. Get him in, get off then get him out was her motto.
(knock, knock, knock)
She opens the door to find him standing there, rum bottle in hand.
"Hey, hey babyyy! What ya got for meeee?"
The self-destructive woman grabs him by the shirt and drags him straight back to her bedroom. Jerry slammed the door behind him, unaware that the slam had awaken little Timmy. Being a five year old, he was naturally curious. So when he heard the slam he got up and went to his bedroom door. Their house had those old skeleton key doors, perfect for spying through. He slowly opened his door once seeing through the key hole that the coast was clear. Then Timmy quietly walked to his mommy's door and, as he had done many times before but had never been caught, placed his curious eye against the spy hole. Shock and confusion washed through the boy seeing the disturbing goings on in his mommy's bedroom.
"Pour me a drink damn it ." Tab told Jerry all the while wasting no time in taking off her only clothing. After he handed her the drink and the already nearly intoxicated woman slammed it down then throwing her cup on the floor, she undressed him practically tearing off his clothes. What little Timmy saw next was, to say the least, extremely upsetting, confusing. His mommy, his god dropped to the floor and did things to the stranger he could not comprehend. At one point the stranger grabbed his mommy by the hair and started yelling out causing the boy to swell up with tears of fear. Then the stranger picked his mommy up and tossed her on the bed again doing something to her he did not understand. When the stranger's forceful action made his mommy scream out, the terrified child, who thought the man was hurting his her, began to cry and scream out of fear himself taking off back to his room and jumping in his bed covering himself with the blanket.
"What the hell was that?!" Jerry yelled out in a startled voice
"That's my fucking kid man. God damn it! I'll be right back." Tab blurted out while walking to the door. Her intoxicated state of mind had left her so irrational that she walked out of her bedroom and into Timmy's with no thought of the fact that she was completely naked. Yet another shock for the already frightened boy.
Timmy, hiding under his blanket trying to pretend to be asleep, did not do very well at hiding his fear.
"Hey! Hey!!" Tab called out in a voice of anger while she yanked off the blanket little Timmy was hiding under.
"What the hell do you think your doing?! Are you suppose to be out of the bed boy?!" Furiously she questioned while standing in front of him naked and out of control. The child could do nothing but lay there and cry.
"You better stop that fucking crying right now!" But with the very hurtful words she caused him to cry even harder. He just couldn't stop.
"Mommyyyy. Mommyyyy" He sobbed while holding out his arms in desperate need of comforting.
"I said what do you think your doing getting out of bed?"
"I hear a noise. Why that man hurt youuuuuuu?"
"What?! He wasn't hurting me and you better mind your own god damn business. Do you hear me?!"
Stunned little Timmy could not produce a single word. He simply shook his head yes. Tab threw the covers back on him, turned off the light and slammed the door.
The next morning Tab woke up with not only an enormous headache but also confused as to what had happened the night before. Nothing new. She went first thing into Timmy's room but he was not in there. So slowly and painfully she dragged herself down the hallway to the living room. As usual little Timmy was sitting in front of the tv. He was watching cartoons and eating bread from the bag loaf. A pretty common breakfast when left alone as he often was. When your five and hungry and don't know how to cook, bread's pretty filling.
"Hey buddy." Tab said in her common morning headache voice. Little Timmy turned around when he heard her but offered no response. The boy's silence and familiar look told Tab that something bad had happened last night. Not remembering always led to only one reaction, no reaction. She ignored his obvious fear, again. Denial was something Tab was well experienced in. Especially when black outs were involved.
"Do you want some cereal?"
"Yes ma'am." little Timmy responded.
"Well, come on then."
The two went to the kitchen. Little Timmy sat in a chair while Tab fixed him a bowl of cereal.
"Do you want rice puffs or Honeycomb?"
"Ummm puffs."
Tab sat his bowl on the table then fixed herself a bowl of Honeycomb. No words were spoken at the table. Neither really knew what to say. Tab was too unsure and little Timmy was too afraid. Once breakfast was done Tab just sat the bowls in the sink and went back to her bedroom to lay down. Timmy went back to his cartoons.
(ring, ring, ring)
Tab picks up the phone after listening to it ring for what seemed like forever. The callers persistence was getting quite aggravating.
"Hello!" She answers in an irritated voice.
You have a collect call from... A recording she had heard more times than she could count. She knew it could only be one person.
"Sissy!"
Just as it happened every time she heard from him, Tabitha's heart jumped when she heard her brother Tim's voice.
"Holy shit. When did you get out?"
"This morning. I'm on my way down there. Hey sis can I crash there for a few? You know just until I find a job?
The reason for his excitement, which by the way was something Tab had heard in his voice many times before along with the empty claims of newly inspired efforts to improve and change, was due to his release from yet another prison term. In fact he had been in incarcerated several times since age nineteen and had spent all his years prior in either foster homes, boys homes, on the streets and in juvee lock up. Something the siblings had become quite accustom to dealing with.
"You know you can stay here. You don't have to ask. How are you getting here?"
"How else, I'm hitchin."
"No, no, no! Tim, you'll end up God knows where doing God knows what and in trouble again." Sissy spoke in a frustrated and fearful voice.
"Man, Sissy, look I know you don't believe me but I'm not doing that shit anymore. I am not going back to prison again. I'm sick of that shit Tab"
However she knew better. He said those very same words every time he was released but still could not discipline himself enough to stop his illegal acts. Things such as breaking and entering, grand larceny, petty larceny, auto theft, possession and distribution to mention a few were common acts for him. Even though Tim was responsible for his own behavior, Tab knew of his lifelong torture and his reasons why. And again, Tab knew the blame was all hers.
"Don't hitchhike. I'll go buy you a bus ticket right now, ok?"
Tim hesitated for a moment. Shame had briefly rushed through him. Shame in the knowledge that at twenty four years old his big sissy had to take care of him still.
"Sissy, you can't afford that. I don't mind hitching, you know that."
"Yea, well I do mind having to bail you out of jail all the time. So, take the damn ticket and dpn't hitch. Do you hear me Tim?"
"Yea sis I hear ya."
"Do you have any money to eat with or smokes, whatever?"
"No but I don't need anything. It's only a thirteen hour ride."
"And that's thirteen hours of no food, nothing to drink or cigarettes. I'm gonna wire you some money too. The bus station here has a Western Union service. How far away are you from the bus station there?"
Actually, I passed it by walking about, maybe two miles back I think."
"Ok, just turn right back around and go to the bus station. I'll go right now and take care of this and when you get everything call me and let me know, ok?"
"Are you sure? Man, sissy, I feel bad."
"Your gonna feel even worse once I get a hold of you if you don't get on that bus."
Tim just laughed at his sister's grown, mother voice. He loved it. It made him feel good to hear her in that bossy tone because it always let him know that she loved him and cared about his welfare. Tim the man and Timmy the boy soaked up every drop of love his sister had to offer, which was a lot.
Tab got off the phone and got dressed. She went to the bathroom and called out for little Timmy...
"Timmy, come brush your teeth buddy we're going bye-bye."
Timmy runs to the bathroom and takes his tooth brush and squeezes just a dab of toothpaste on his brush. Then the boy wets the brush and stands there joining in a family morning ritual. Just as when she was little Tab stood there brushing her teeth with a little boy named Timmy. A very fond memory indeed that revisited her every time.
Tab and little Timmy stop for gas on the way to the bus station. Tab filled up the tank then went in the store to pay for it.
"You wanna come in and get a snack buddy?"
"Oooo yea can I hab some candybar?"
"You can have anything you want." She told him as she giggled at this tiny voice trying so hard to master his words.
"Can I hab somefin to drink too?" Maybe it was just that Tim had come back into the picture again but it seemed now more than ever little Timmy's words were reminding her more and more of when Tim was small. Tab opened the door and little Timmy dashed straight for the candy isle.
"Ok, what do you want buddy?"
"Ummm, dis." Timmy reached up to the third shelf and grabbed a chocolate candy bar.
Just then something caught Tab's attention. A white strip of paper. Candy Buttons.
"Oh my god. I haven't seen these in forever. I can't believe they still make these." Tab said as memories ran through her mind of sitting on the front porch with her brother tossing the sweet candy in each others mouths to see who could get the most in.
"What's that mommy?"
"This is the candy that me and uncle Tim used to eat when we were little. It's so good. It's really fun to eat."
"Can I hab that and not this?"
"Sure you can. Your uncle Tim and I used to throw them at each other and try to catch them in our mouths."
"Oh, mommy, can I do dat too?"
"We'll see. Maybe later. Here, let's get some for him too."
After leaving the store she went to the bank and withdrew money for Tim's bus ride home. Tab and little Timmy left the bus station. On their way home Tab stops at the grocery store to pick up a few things she knew Tim liked. They arrived home and while walking up the front steps Tab heard the phone ringing.
"Oh, come on buddy. I'm sure that's uncle Tim on the phone." She unlocked the door and not bothering to close it Tab dashed for the phone.
"Hello. Hello? Shit! Oh well if it was him, he'll call back." Frustrated she hangs the phone back up and then back out to the car to get the rest of the groceries.
(ring, ring, ring)
"Damn it! Timmy, grab the phone boy!" She yells out while running up the stairs. The boy ran from the hallway to the phone as fast as he could.
"Hello." He answered.
"Hey you little curtain climber!"
Little Timmy knew well his uncles voice. Although he had not seen big Tim, as he was sometimes called by little Timmy, in over a year, the boy had spoken to him often on the phone.
"Uncle Tim!" Timmy called out in excitement.
"Guess what?"
"What little dude?"
"My mommy's gots a surprise for you" He said barely able to keep calm.
"Really, what is it?"
"No! I'm not gonna tell you"
"Why not?"
"Cause it's 'pose to be a surprise sillyhead."
"I won't tell mommy if you tell me. It'll be our secret, ok?"
Just as little Timmy was almost overcome so much that he was about to explode out the secret, Tab gets to the phone.
"Hey, did you just call a minute ago?"
"Yea I thought you might not be back yet but as soon as I hung up the phone I heard you say hello."
"So did you get everything?"
"Yea sis. Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes."
"Well, it's ok. Just make sure your on the bus at 8:00 tonight."
"I will. So, what's my surprise, huh?"
"Hey, you heard the boy. I'm not telling either man."
"The heck with ya then. Suppose I'll see you tomorrow morning sis. And I really appreciate this."
"Your always welcome. Now when you get here and rest for a few days we'll talk about what your plans are, alright?"
"Yep, hey, I love you sissy."
"I love you too Tim. I'll see you in the morning."
(I swear I could hear my mother voice and see her running naked when I re-wrote this. Me and my fucking head!)
- Mood: lonely
A twenty five year old Tabitha gets in her car after a ten hour shift at the local tire manufacturing plant. It's one of many jobs she's had in the past four years. Never finding one that she was happy with it was nothing new for her to simply walk away or just not show up at all. Tab arrives at Peter Pan Daycare to pick up her five year old son who bore the name of the one whom she loved dearly, Timmy.
"Good evening Ms. Heartly. Running a little late again today, are we?" Diane Foster, the daycare director, said with a familiar sarcastic tone, her frustration quite valid. Tabitha had a bad habit of picking Timmy up late nearly every day.
"Sorry Diane, you know how it is with Davidson. That place would work me twenty four hours a day if I let them." Tab responded with a vague rising of the corners of her mouth that never offered an honest smile and her eyes always looking in any direction but up and the clear scent of vodka on her breath.
"Well, do you think you can make it on time tomorrow? I have an appointment at 6:30 and I insist on being on time for my appointments." Diane inquired as her angry eyes stared through her coke bottle thick glasses while she flung her coat around her shoulders and stood at the door holding it open for Timmy and his irresponsible mother. Tab answers yes then walks out to the car and opens the back drivers side door for Timmy and lightly barks.
"Get in. Jesus Christ! What a bitch!" while watching Diane drive off in haste.
Tab then gets in the drivers seat slamming her door. The same daily routine little Timmy was use to stopping at various fast food restaurants on the way home. That the five year old looked forward to but Timmy had learned quickly to hate the next usual stop they made.
Tab pulls into the parking lot and turns the ignition off. Timmy sat in the back eating his chicken nuggets happy meal and playing with the best part of the kid's meal, the toy. Tab sits for a moment staring at the lighted sign above the store. She then reaches under the passenger seat and pulls out a half pint vodka bottle that had been recently emptied on her way to pick up Timmy and stuck it into her purse.
"Stay here. I'll be right back" She instructed Timmy as if it were even necessary. Tab walks up to the door and tosses in the trash can next to it, the empty bottle of courage. A couple of minutes later she returns to the car, shuts the door behind her while checking out her surroundings. Seeing no one around she lifts the bottle up to her mouth and takes two big swigs. This was her "nerve medicine" as she called it when ever her son would watch her pour it down like water. However, the only thing that little Timmy understood was that when mommy drank her medicine she would be mean or ignore him all together. Many nights he would crawl up the foot board of mommy's bed and lay down next to her passed out body, snoring, and fowl smelling breath.
The next morning arrived late with Tab waking to the usual headache. Full out hangovers, for the most part, were a thing of the past. Tabitha's mornings after had long passed the usual nausea, vomiting, inability to eat and all the other constant reminders that her drinking was out of control. Reminders that she had ignored for years. She drags her body out of bed and walks into the living room where she almost always found little Timmy sitting in front of the tv watching cartoons. She walks towards him when he hears her and turns around.
"Mommy you sick?" The tot asked in his still broken but evolving english. Often when Tab listened to little Timmy's voice all she heard was her brother Timmy and his meek little voice trying with all his might to pronounce the word Lieutenant. She would occasionally produce a bittersweet smile hearing the word lutentin in her head but the smile was quickly overwhelmed by the horrifying torture that possessed her.
"Mommy?" little Timmy repeated.
"What? No I just gotta headache. Want some cereal?" She said as she turned and walked away with her head in her hands.
"Yea, yea, yea!" Little Timmy exclaimed while jumping around his mothers side.
"God damn it would you stop the fucking noise?!" Once again catching the already nervous boy off guard causing tears to swell up in his eyes.
"Hey, hey, what did I tell you about crying, huh? Stop it right now." Tab ordered gritting her teeth. But for a moment, just a very brief moment a slight tug of guilt came across her. And just as quickly as the feeling had come, it also faded. Tab quickly returned to the cold, bitter, numb, angry and sometimes almost heartless woman she had grown to be.
As with many Tab's day started with caffeine so straight to the coffee maker she went dumping out yesterdays leftovers. Then she refilled it, flipped the switch and stood there impatiently waiting. As she turns around and leans on the counter she see's a small five year old boy with familiar features standing at the kitchen door with a look of fear in not knowing what to do next. That tug she had felt just a moment ago had now become an out-right seize of her conscience. Just as it had happened so many times before her cruel words bolted from her mouth in anger without her giving even the first thought as to their effects on the defenseless boy. Again, as many times before, her memories of the same scenario that resulted in her being the defenseless, terrified child standing at the door swept through her like a rush of cold water alerting her to the damage she has once again done. Also reinforcing that awful feeling that she had become just like the woman she had grown to despise, her mother. As soon as that brief moment of clarity grabbed Tabitha but this time would not fade away, the grown bitter woman and the terrified little girl inside dropped to the floor holding out her arms that desperately sought forgiveness to the one person she never meant to hurt.
"Oh my God. Baby I'm so sorry..." Exhausted Tab cried while holding out her arms for the frightened boy. However, her son did not go to her. Little Timmy just stood there with confusion swimming through his mind. He worried that this was another one of those times when mommy said she was sorry but she really didn't mean it.
"Babyyyy please. I'm so sorry I screamed at you again. Please come over here. I love you so much Timmy."
And having heard the magic words I love you and seeing that it was ok for mommy to cry now Timmy dashed over to her throwing himself into her arms with tears already flowing the second it took him to get there. Tab had forgotten all about the coffee. She had also forgotten all about her headache. She and little Timmy just sat on the floor, him on her lap, in her arms and her holding onto the him for dear life both crying uncontrollably.
Between Tab waking up late and the Saturday morning drama that afforded the mother and son a small window of hope for a peaceful day, Tab decided that this was not a good day for cereal nor was it a day for staying in the house for any reason. And now with both of them calmed enough to stop crying, they sat there on the floor smiling at each other while Tab wiped little Timmy's face.
"Well, I guess we need some breakfast huh?" Tab asked with a more pleasant look and voice.
"I can hab cereal mommy?" Timmy questioned in his usual efforts to speak clearly.
"Have."
"Yea, dats what I said."
"Yea, you can have cereal if you want or since it's almost lunch time we could get dressed and go out for, oh I don't know...pizza?" She said smiling.
"Yeee...." Little Timmy caught himself before he got too excited.
Knowing all too well the inner conflict he was feeling not knowing what is or is not acceptable, Tab stood up and started jumping up and down.
"YEA, YEA, YEA, PIZZA!!!!!" Tab yelled.
Surprised but excited he too joined in on the fun. There in the middle of the floor, both jumping so hard they shook the entire kitchen and in their highest, happiest, loudest voices that could easily be heard from a mile away the mother and son started over their day.
Tab and little Timmy pulled into a parking space in front of the pizza parlor. The restaurant however was only two doors down from the liquor store. Timmy, with a curious voice asked.
"Mommy, I wanna go inside can we, huh?" Her answer to this question would be what put the boy's heart into a nervous beat or calmed his fears. They almost never went inside a restaurant, the drive-thru was always faster. Not understanding the pizza parlor had no drive-thru Timmy knew if they didn't go in then it meant that mommy was going into the liquor store next. Tab looked in the rear view mirror and realized what his fearful voice was all about when she saw little Timmy glance over to the liquor store. Tab got out of the car, opened little Timmy's door and said.
"Come on you. Let's go eat some pizza."
After a full day of eating, shopping, playing at the park and going to the local video store to rent little Timmy his new favorite movie, the two arrive home full, happy and even a little tired from their busy day. It was nearly 7:00 pm by the time they had put away the groceries.
"Timmy..." Tab called from the kitchen.
Little Timmy came running from his bedroom where he was playing with his new bulldozer truck.
"Huh?"
"What do you want for dinner?"
"Ummmm....do we got anymore pizza?" He asked
Tab looked at him smiling.
"You want pizza again?"
"Yea, I like pizza."
"Well I guess left over pizza does sound pretty good. Ok, I'll heat it up and call you when it's done."
Timmy went back in his room to play. Tab opened the refrigerator door to get the box of left-over pizza and spotted the cup to the right of the top shelf. She had not noticed it earlier that morning. She didn't even see it while putting away the groceries. But that very moment Tab reached her hand into the bottom of the frig where the pizza box laid, she spotted the green plastic cup. Green because unlike a clear cup or glass it managed to hide the contents within. The cup, containing a small amount of vodka watered down by the melted ice, was one that had been sitting there over night. Although she didn't remember placing it in the frig, it was her habit to do so. Vodka never goes bad and is too valuable to throw away was Tab's logic. She pulled the box from the frig and closed the door. After placing the pizza in the oven she stood at the stove struggling between what she knew was the right thing to do and what she desperately wanted to do. Tab wanted so to throw down that small amount but knew it would lead to more. Not many days of her sons life has Tab been able to show love or really any emotion other than anger for that matter and today was a good day. She didn't want to ruin that though deep inside her still in mourning for another little boy that she had already invested too much emotion into subconscious sought refuge in the green cup calling out to her. That investment caused her a lifetime of pain that she tried to ignore by drowning herself in alcohol day after day, again and again and again. Ultimately this solution intended to erase the past left her with the inability to give to her own son the love he wanted, needed and deserved. She had already given too much and it had gotten her no where and she was not willing to give anymore. But as she had also done many times before Tab tried to be a good mother, she tried not to be like her mother. So for as many days as she spent numb to her son's needs, numb to her son's pain brought on by her own cruel acts, Tab spent as many days trying to be a better person, a better mother. Something not easy to do when one has no idea how. Yet for all her efforts she would usually quickly return to the angry, defensive, hurt little girl she had never let go of.
Come on now, I can do this. Just one day Tab, one day without a drink. Ohhhh shit! God please, please, please help me get my mind off this. Throw it away, that's what I'll do I'll just pour it all down the drain. The liquor stores closed so I can't get anymore, so then I won't drink. Yea that's what I'll do.
For a brief moment even Tab believed her own words. She took the green cup from the frig and poured it down the sink. However, that action had only served to trigger within her a feeling of panic. If she could have salvaged the drink from the drain, she would have. So instead Tab did the next best thing. With very little genuine effort in her attempt to stay sober now passing Tab went to her bedroom, opened her closet door, reached on the top shelf, opened an old box that once held a pair of boots and removed from it the clear glass bottle. Her good old friend, her bottle of comfort. Why would she ever consider pouring it down the sink? Crazy, she thought.
Tabitha convinced herself that she was not going to get carried away this time. This was little Timmy's day and she was not going to ruin it, again. Tab went back into the kitchen stopping first at Timmy's door to check on him. Her concern however was to find out if her son had heard her digging in her secret stash. Timmy sat playing on the floor with his new truck unaware of his mothers deceit.
"Having fun?" she asked with a false smile painted upon her face.
Timmy just shook his head yes. Yet his sincerely joyful face and his innocent loving eyes simply were not enough to penetrate Tabitha's cold heart. Tab sat in the kitchen waiting for the left over dinner to heat. Sitting in front of her was the infamous green cup.
With Timmy now sitting in front of the tv eating dinner and watching his newly rented superhero movie, Tab sits on the couch further sinking into self-loathing.
9:29 pm
"Hey, it's time to go to bed buddy."
"No, no ,no! I don't wanna!" little Timmy said defiantly.
As the words had just barely escaped the excited but over tired boy's mouth Tab stood up from the couch and with no traces of a guilty conscience left she gave him a look that made it clear to Timmy that the fun was over. Even at this early an age the boy learned well when it was time to stop. He had seen that look too many times before.
"Boy! You really don't want to mess with me right now. Don't you ruin this happy day by making me scream at you Timmy." Tab commanded while once again gritting her teeth. So with a sad face looking down to the floor he walked slowly towards his bedroom.
"Wait. Didn't you forget something?"
Timmy stood there thinking.
"Look around son."
He did and spotted his plate and realized that was what he had forgotten. Little Timmy goes back for it and heads for the kitchen.
"Thank you." Tab praised but in a sightly sarcastic voice.
"I'll be in to tuck you in in a minute." Tab informed her son in the middle of sips.
But little Timmy didn't believe it would happen. His mommy hardly ever came in to tuck him in when she was in this mood. And she was moody often. The times she did come in she either just stuck her head in long enough to turn off the light and close the door or she would intoxicated and reckless, become over zealous trying to "play" the good mother role. Thereby bringing it to her son's attention that she had in fact been drinking. If little Timmy had his choice, he'd rather her just turn off the light and close the door.
Still sitting in the living room Tabitha tries to collect herself enough to be able to pass off being sober just long enough to actually do as she said this time and tuck in her son. But first she needed to do a little trick she had used for years to hide from others her alcohol breath. Tab went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth.
Much to Timmy's surprise and again in the position of not knowing what to do, how to act, in walks mommy.
"See, I told you I'd be in didn't I?" Tab said proudly as if she had done the right thing for once.
Little Timmy, so desperate for not only his mother's attention, accepting her "happy" words to be a sign that things were still ok, smiled and swung his arms wide open for a hug. Success! She thought as she walked steadily towards him.
"Good night buddy."
"Night mommy. I lub you mommy." The innocent boy said with pure worship in his heart for the only god he knew.
Tabitha, caught off guard, nearly busted out in tears. How can he forgive her so much, how can he love her so much when she just can't give herself to him completely? She placed her hand over her lips and threw little Timmy a kiss. She knew if she were to respond with the same words that she would cry. Then quickly she closed the door.
- Mood: lonely
"Tabitha!" momma screams out waking Tab from her sleep.
Awakened startled Tabitha fell to the floor. Her first instinct was to hide under the bed. Dazed, heart racing, eyes barely open, Tabitha huddles bunched up on the floor not knowing what to do.
"God damn it Tabitha!" momma screamed.
The screaming was getting louder and closer so she jumped up and ran out her bedroom door.
"Yes ma'am?" The shaking girl replied.
"Where in the hell is my fucking uniform?!"
She was too scared to answer.
"Well, if you folded it like I told you to and put it in my dresser like I told you to, then where the hell is it?!"
The very moment her momma said, "like I told you to", Tab lost the control she tried desperately to maintain. She just stood there terrified not knowing how to answer her mother's questions and began to cry.
"Stop that fucking whining and get my fucking uniform right now Tabitha." She ordered gritting her teeth.
Tabitha very, very carefully slowly slid past her momma headed for the living room where she believed the clothes laid folded in a basket.
"Move God damn it! Hurry the fuck up!" She whaled out as Tab passed by.
"God damn kids! I work my ass off for you fucking kids and you can't even do one simple little thing I ask you to do!" She rants loudly.
With every nerve in Tabitha's little body on full alert she dashed into the living room, grabbed from the basket the priceless uniform and was back before her momma finished screaming. Wildly out of control, her momma snatched the clothes from Tab's hands and grabbed her by her chin and yanked Tabitha's tear soaked tiny face eye to eye with hers.
"Don't you ever do that again. I'm not going to get fired from my fucking job because some brat can't do what she's told. Do you hear me?!"
"Yes ma'am." Tabitha barely squeezed out.
In fact momma was on the verge of being fired from yet another job. Something not new to the children. Their mother had been through more jobs than the two could even recall, four in the last seven months alone. Even at five and six years old the children had learned the importance of a job. Their mother's constant complaining had taught them that lesson quite well.
Tabitha returned to her bedroom. Entirely too terrified to even consider going back to sleep, the fragile little soul closed her door hoping that it would hide her so momma would forget she was even there. She sat on her bed rocking back and forth with quiet streams of tears flooding the pillowcase she held onto so very tightly. Twenty minutes of short, frightened breaths and careful listening to every sound had passed before she heard the front door slam. Momma was gone at last. With no restraint left to hold onto Tabitha simply exhaled and when she did, the real flood began. Just a moment later she heard a slight knock on her door. Even as vague as the knock was it still caused a reflex in Tabitha that sent her catapulting off the bed with a scream that sounded as if her very life was about to end.
"Sissy?" She heard in a familiar, timid, terrified voice.
She pulled herself up from the floor and went to the door.
"I'm sorry." Timmy whispered crying.
"Come on." Tabitha said as she put her arm around Timmy's neck and kissed his head.
"It's okay. It's not your fault." She told the frightened little boy.
"Yes it is." Timmy cried with his fingers buried in his mouth
"No it's not. Momma told me to fold and put up the clothes, not you."
The day before Tim, out of love for his sister who had to do pretty much all of the work in the house, offered to help. So Tabitha dumped the basket of clothes on the couch and told him to fold them and then put them in the drawers while she swept the kitchen floor. Only Timmy had forgotten to put the clothes away having placed them back in the basket once folded. And once again, Tabitha was in trouble.
"Ya hungry?" Tab asked while wiping Tim's tears away.
"Yea" Capturing his breath.
"Come on let's go fix some breakfast."
Timmy sat down at the table while his sister searched the refrigerator.
"Ummmm, wanna a jelly sandwich?"
Timmy wrinkled his nose and shook his head not having the taste for a sandwich this morning.
"Okay, how about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
And again the tot shook his head no.
"Well what do you want Timmy?"
The boy thought for a second and replied.
"Do we have some milk?"
"Yea, but we only have cornflakes."
The children ate cornflakes quite often.
"So, I like it. Can I have cereal?"
Tab pulled the milk from the frig and placed it on the table. She then grabbed the yellow rusty step ladder and sat it in front of the counter and climbed onto the counter and opened the cabinet door ducking her head down so she would not get hit. And when the door opened to their surprise, momma had been to the grocery store.
"Honeycomb cereal?!" They both yelled out. Timmy could not sit still he was so excited. He loved honeycomb cereal and after their morning starting off the way it did this was certainly a welcomed treat.
Not one word was uttered for their little mouths were too busy being stuffed with spoonful after spoonful of the sweetness. To them it was like candy. After Tab having one bowl and Tim eating two bowls they were fat and happy and ready for the day. Tab climbed back up to the cabinet and Tim put away the milk and then they both cleaned up their mess. Tab washed and Tim dried. With breakfast done the children got dressed and ready for their day.
"Timmy." Sissy called out from the bathroom.
"I'm coming I got to put on my shoe."
Timmy knew exactly what sissy wanted. Once getting on his tennis shoes he goes to the bathroom where every morning he and Tab brushed their teeth together. Every morning the boy would comb his hair nice and neat and make sure his shirt was always tucked in. He would go into momma's room and look at himself in the mirror and say to himself, "spiffy!" Tabitha loved to put her hair up in a ponytail and tie a ribbon around it. And she really loved to wear a dress and twirl around to make it puff out but not when going outside to play. But this morning she was really happy because she got to wear a dress for one of their favorite things to do. Today is Saturday and that meant this was visiting day for Tim and Tab. They would go to Ms. Baker's trailer and the kind old lady would fix them hot cocoa.
"Are you ready?" Tabitha asked Timmy.
Not waisting a single moment he dashed to the back door which was a pretty clear answer to Tab's question. Out the back door, through the back yard, through the corn field and just passed their mountain was the tiny, silver, full of love trailer of the lady that owned the property and their very good friend Ms. Baker. Even though the children were excited about visiting the nice lady they stopped for a brief moment.
"Hello baby bird. Do you like it in heaven? Is God a nice person? I bet he is, huh? He must have a really big heaven if he lets all the dead people live there. Thank you for taking care of baby bird Lutentin Jack. We are going to come back and play after we have some hot cocoa. Bye" Timmy flips up his hand and waves goodbye to his good friends.
(knock, knock, knock)
The short, shiny trailer would always slightly sway back and forth with every step Ms. Baker took. That's how they knew that she was on her way to answer the door. The stout, kind old lady opens the door to find Tim and Tab standing there looking as if they were on their way to church and with smiles from ear to ear on both their faces.
"Hello my little angels." One of her many loving names she had given the two. "Come in please. My, my , my don't you two look spiffy today."
That was where Timmy had learned the word. It always made Tim feel good to say it and to hear it.
"We got dressed up today. See I tucked in my shirt too." Timmy stated proudly.
"Well Mr. Timothy you look very handsome today. Thank you for getting dressed up so nicely for me."
"Ms. Baker look I got a dress on. I like dresses 'cause I can do this." And with that introduction Tab displayed her refined talent in the art of dress twirling.
"Wow, that's really good. You know I used to do that when I was a little too. I liked it because it made me feel pretty like a princess."
"Yea that's what I do. I pretend I'm a princess too." Tab whispered with her eyes as big as saucers with surprise.
"Well you two, the coca's almost ready. Why don't we sit at the table."
The children followed their friend over to the table which was a mere few feet away. Ms. Baker was not at all a poor woman but she lived a very modest life. The property and house she inherited from her mother and father many years ago. She and her husband lived in the house for 47 years together. They raised their children there and Mr. Baker even died in the enormous old house. Once Mr. Baker had passed away she was in need of income to help her afford to keep her land. She also was not very happy living in the house after her husband died. So the wise woman decided to rent out the house and sell part of the land. She sold 20 acres, the bulk of her property and as for the corn field she had two men and one lady working the field that had been with her many, many years. She bought a small trailer with plenty of room for just herself and her best friend Rover the cat and placed it on the far backside of her property. She had everything she needed. Ms. Baker lived a modest but happy, peaceful life.
Tab and Tim loved visiting Ms. Baker not only for the coca but also because they loved to hear her tell jokes and stories about when she was a little girl living in their house and stories about her and her husband and her two kids living there as well. However she didn't do a lot of talking about one of her children, her son Jason. Jason had died many years ago when the old barn had caught on fire with 11 year old Jason trapped inside. And the sweet old lady only spoke of her daughter Elizabeth when she lived in the house. As an adult Elizabeth and her mother had a terrible fight about Jason's death. You see the barn burnt down because Elizabeth and Jason snuck in there to try smoking their papa's tobacco pipe. After lighting the tobacco Jason threw the match stick down instantly sparking a fire in a bale of hay that quickly raged out of control. Elizabeth managed to escape but Jason did not. Resulting in the remainder of her and her daughter's relationship in constant turmoil. Mrs. Baker indeed loved having Tim and Tab around. She always looked forward to Saturdays as much as the children did for it made her feel like a mother again to have them around.
"Well here we are." She said lovingly as she placed in front of the two their cups of coca.
"And I have a nice snack for you both." Ms. Baker pulled from beside her coffee maker on the counter a delicious, golden brown baked apple pie. She sat the yummy smelling warm pie on the table right in front of Tab and Timmy.
"Ummmm, that sure does smell good." said Timmy leaning close to catch the aroma with his deeply inhaling little nose.
Ms. Baker then walks over to the refrigerator, opens the door and opens the smaller silver door to the freezer and pulls out another surprise.
"And to go with that pie..."
"Ice cream?!" Both the children said at the same time.
Ms. Baker was always kind to them. She always made the children feel welcomed and loved. She sat and cut a piece of pie for each of them and crowned it with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream. What lovely times the three enjoyed sipping coca, eating pie and ice cream and sharing funny stories.
Timmy and Tabitha had sat with their friend for nearly two hours eating and talking. The children knew it was time to go home when the sweet elderly woman started yawning. They knew that she got up early and took a nap everyday.
"We have to go now. You make really good apple pie and hot cocoa. My belly is so full now." Tabitha said kindly.
"Do we have to go?" Tim begged with sad eyes as he scooted out of the seat. He was so happy visiting the sweet lady that he forgot about him and Tab talking about leaving when Ms. Baker got tired.
"You said you wanted to go play on the mountain, didn't you?"
"Oh yea! Ms. Baker we can come back next Saturday, okay?" His gentle voice reassured her as if to make certain that she did not get sad because they were leaving.
"Of course, dear. I look forward to it. Now you two please be careful on your mountain. I wouldn't want either of you to get hurt, okay?" The loving soul informed the two as she gave them a great big hug.
"We'll be very careful I promise!" responded Timmy.
"Don't you two think you should go home and change your clothes before you play?" She asked in case it had not crossed their minds. However forgetting that they had on good clothes before they would go out to play was not something Tab and Tim did. They were quite meticulous in keeping their Sunday clothes clean so momma wouldn't get mad. Off the two fat and happy children ran home as fast as they could to get changed into their play clothes.
"I bet I can beat .....hey!"
And Tim was off before Sissy even finished her sentence. He had made it through the field and was just about to cross the yard when he heard his sister scream.
"Ahhhh..."
Timmy stop and immediately began to get scared.
"Sissy! Sissy!" The boy yelled out for her as he ran back into the corn field only a few yards through the thick stalks and rough ground towards her crying voice.
"Sissy?! What's wrong?" The boy then noticed what had happened and became quiet.
"I fell down. My knee hurts." Tab cried holding onto her scraped, bloody knee.
It only took the children a moment to notice Tab's dress. The front of her light blue flowered dress now had a huge, deeply grounded in dirt stain from where her knee smashed into the ground. The bottom of her dress had dirt stains as well. The children looked each other in the eyes with concern knowing what trouble Tab would be in if momma saw the dress.
"What are we gonna do?" Timmy asked his sissy frightened with his scrunched up little face.
Tabitha looked at Timmy then looked back down at her dress. She tried to wipe the dirt off with her hands but it only made it worse. Her already emotional distress from her fall then began to increase with the thought of the certain punishment she had endured many times before.
"Mmmmm... We gotta get home I gotta wash my dress." Tab barely forced out between breaths. Timmy put his arm around his sissy and helped her walk the rest of the way home.
Once home Tab took off the dress, washed up her knee and put the dress in the washer. Momma didn't get home until 6:00 pm so she knew she had plenty of time. All she could do was wait and worry. But she was not alone. Her devoted brother stuck right by her side doing anything to help her.
"Do you want something to eat sissy?" the sweet soul asked gently.
Tab shook her head no. She just sat on her bed waiting for the washer to finish.
"Do you want me to get you something to drink?"
Again the sad girl just shook her head no while looking down to her blanket and tracing the pattern of yellow stripes.
"Do you.....wanna play a game?" Timmy was trying any idea that came to mind. It made him sad to see his sissy like that. He knew what her favorite game was so one more time Timmy tried.
"Do you wanna play Sorry?" Tabitha shrugged her shoulders but then with a tiny hint of a smile she shook her head yes. Tim jumped up from Tab's bed heading for her closet where the game laid on the floor along with others.
"You can be the blue one." Timmy offered because blue was sissy favorite even though she always let him be the blue player because he too like the color.
Tabitha smiled at him and gladly but quietly took the game piece. With her tears calmed, her fear slowly subsiding and the loving efforts of her brother she began to return to the gentle, nurturing, dependable sissy that Timmy desperately counted on.
The next morning.
"Sissy. Sissy" Timmy tried to wake Tab. Momma was gone and it was time to go out to the mountain. Or at least he thought so.
"I'm not getting up."
"But momma's gone l wanna go now."
Gone, that was the magic word. Out the back door, straight to the shed to grab an old sheet they used for their club house, through the corn field and wasting no time the children were there. Tim and Tab loved building their club house, created by tieing one end around a small tree a couple feet from the mountain, a stick dug into the dirt on top of the mountain and the remaining ends held down by rocks. They were quite proud of their efforts.
"I got the cards so we can play slap jack and I got the match cards too." Tab informed Tim
Slap jack was Tab's favorite game and the matching pictures game was Tim's favorite.
"Wait, I gotta do something first." Timmy then walked over to the the burial site of his two friends.
"Hey, it's me Timmy, your friend." Reminding them just in case they may have forgotten him.
"I thought ya'll might be hungry so Baby Bird this is for you and Lutentin Jack, we didn't have any hot dogs so I got you a piece of bologna. Is that Ok?"
The sweet boy had pulled from his pockets a worm and the bologna and sat the two on top of the grave. Timmy said his goodbyes and ran back to the club house never noticing the worms daring escape.
Tab and Tim climbed into the club house. Laying on their bellies with their little bare feet sticking out from the sheet they got ready to play cards. The siblings played one game of each each one winning only this time Tabitha won the match game and Timmy won at slap jack.
"Do you wanna play some more?" asked Tim.
"If you want to." Tab responded. But when she shrugged her shoulders Tim knew she really wasn't interested.
"Wanna color?"
"Ok."
She was much more interested in coloring than cards now. Tab brought cards but Timmy brought two little coloring books and a small box of crayons. Suddenly they heard a noise getting closer and closer.
"Hello my little angels" It was Ms. Baker. She had seen the children outside and decided to go visit them and take them a snack.
"Well what are you two up to today?"
"We're playing in our club house. We played cards first and now we're coloring." Tab answered.
" Oh I like club houses. My brothers and I used build club houses all the time. I thought I'd bring you two a little something to eat and drink." She said with a smile and a wink.
Tab sat the basket on the ground and she and her brother unfolded the cloth included both to cover the food and to use as a blanket to sit on for a picnic. Inside the basket there was two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, two brownies Ms. Baker had baked earlier that morning and 1 bottle of pop each once again reminding the brother and sister just why they liked her so much.
"Well I'm gonna get home. Will someone please bring my basket and table cloth back when your done?"
"Yes ma'am" Tab replied.
"Ms. Baker ma'am" Timmy said.
"Yes dear."
"Do you wanna have snacks with us this time?"
"Well that is very nice of you Mr. Timothy but I need to get home. Rover's all by himself and I've got a bunch of corn to shuck. But, if you like next Saturday we could come here and have a picnic would that be ok?"
"Okay we can bring the snacks and you come over here, ok?" Tab said while leaning slightly forward with her hands on hips making certain that Ms. Baker had gotten the important message to be there.
All said their goodbyes. Tabitha reached into the pretty light brown basket removing the red and white checkered table cloth.
"Here, take this side." She instructed Timmy. They pulled the table cloth out and laid it upon the ground, sat down and enjoyed their lunch.
While packing and cleaning up Timmy asked.
"Can I take the basket to Ms. Baker please." Tabitha, busy getting cards together told him to hurry and come right back. And so he did.
The two had just made it into the backyard when they heard a vary familiar sound, mommas car door shutting. Although this was not one of those days they were told to stay in the house the brother and sister couldn't help but feel a bit concerned that momma was home early never knowing what kind of mood she would be in.
- Mood: okay
*Ok, for what it's worth, here's my final write on Throne. I've gone back and made many changes throughout. And boy have I noticed how obvious my lack of education is. I've no doubt that there are still many screw ups. Anyway, I'm re-posting from the beginning. I'm now rewriting the ending and am just about done with that as well. There's none of the confusing part 1, part 2, etc, crap like before. I just did that for my own benefit trying to keep it in order, of which upon rereading I realized I failed miserably! There are simple chapters now. And I have rearranged events so that all falls in order correctly. Didn't realize how bad I screwed up before. The facts were easy to write about but when trying to add in fiction...? Yea, it's like telling lies, I'm really bad at it! So there's no more jumping around, I think everything's in it's correct order. And upon researching Pop Rocks, I discovered that their original date of introduction did not fit. See what I mean about the lies part? ;) That's definitely made up and I don't really know why I added it to be honest. When I started I just let out what flowed without much thought. It just seemed interesting to give the two characters that in common. Bubba and I never had a favorite candy in real life. Oh, and that reminds me...I noticed in places where I unintentionally replaced the character Timmy's name with Bubba. Oops! I think they called that a Freudian slip? So, this is it. And I know it's of low quality but it's the best I can do. And yes, I am going to publish it. This story has been in my head forever and I have come to accept that it is simply meant to be. And I am not going to wait until my mother passing as originally decided. No doubt should she get her hands on it she will hate me but truthfully it's not like she ever really liked me to begin with. And I do this for no one but ME! It's simply time and that's that. I will post a couple of chapters at a time rather than all at once. And should either of you decide to read, please, please it's very important to me for y'all to be completely honest. So, here goes nothing. (I can't believe it but I'm nervous.)
________________________________________
Throne of the Dead King
chapter 1
11:59 pm.
Sept. 22, 1994
The struggle of the reality taking place before her eyes, the guilt, that face, the one's that tortured her since this all began now looking so peaceful, so ready, a perfect example of the calm after the storm and her own reluctant acceptance of a long standing belief that this is what should have been all along are the only things going through her mind. Tabitha wants, needs to turn away but that would be abandoning him all over again. And that's something she will not, cannot do, not now, not in these last 60 seconds of life. She can't contain her tears in spite of her promise to not cry in front of him. His contentment in finally achieving what he had yearned for all along painted a loving gleam in his eyes and a faint smile upon his face as he stared into the eyes of the only person he believed truly knew him; the one person he believed loved him unconditional. His madness is nearly over and she is the very one, the only one he would gladly die for.
Crying was something he had longed ago learned not to do but in those last moments his demons, his love for his devoted sister and his relief crashed and produced from Tim's eye one single, lonely, painfully earned tear...
...
1969
Standing under an enormous oak tree in the back of their decrepit, paint peeling, wood rotting, roof leaking dirty white house was a five year old boy named Timmy...
"Sissy!..." Timmy calls out.
Tabitha, his one year older sister comes running from the metal shed in the back of the yard.
"What' s wrong?" she yells out frantically.
"Look!" Timmy said as he directs her eyes down to the ground.
"Ewww, Is it dead?" asks Tabitha.
The curious siblings squat down to get a closer look. Timmy picks up a short, thin twig lying next to his shoeless, stubby little feet and lightly pokes at a fragile, featherless, new born bird that had apparently fallen from the nest.
"Timmy don't you'll hurt it"
"He's dead you can't hurt something if it's dead, stupid!"
"Don't call me stupid, stupid!" Tab barks back at Tim.
They both look upward to search for what once was the baby bird's home.
"That's his nest. Do you think some brothers or sisters up there?" Timmy asked his sister.
"I don't know. I don't hear anything, do you?" Tab responds.
The boy fails to respond to his sisters question. His attention was now captivated by the stillness, the look of a peaceful rest that seemed to have swept away the little bird.
"Did you hear me?"
" What?" Mesmerized Timmy whispers never loosing sight of the baby bird.
"Timmy?!" Tabitha raises her voice.
With a sudden jerk of his head from the startling noise his trance is broken. Timmy looks at Tabitha strangely with a glance that implied an empty spirit. Then he redirected his eyes back to the bird
"Can we bury him sissy?"
"Where?"
"By the mountain so we can visit him when we go play."
"I'll go get something to put him in. You get some grass so he can lay on it, o.k.?"
Tab lifts back to her feet and takes off for the shed again. Timmy gets down on his knees and starts pulling grass out from the cool ground that grew in scattered patches around the oak tree.
Tab returns from the old metal shed with an aged tin box that once held mint candies inside. She sits on the ground next to Timmy and places the tin box between them. He layers the bottom of the box with a thick bed of green grass to keep comfortable his new little friend. Gently he picks up the body and lays the bird in the grass padded tin coffin. He then takes the another handful of grass and blankets over the stillness that barely even filled half of the box.
"Think he's warm enough?" He worries lovingly.
"He's sure got enough blankets on. " She smiled at Timmy.
"You did a good job." Tab praised him managing to inspire a meek grin to come over Timmy's sad face.
She then reached for the top to put on the box.
"Wait!" Timmy commands as he jumps up. He ran into the house and quickly returned carrying in his hand a tiny green army solder.
"Mr. baby bird this is Lutentin Jack. He's my friend and he's really strong. You can have him. That way if you need some help in heaven Lutentin Jack will take care of you." Timmy places the plastic protector in the box lying right beside the bird and then replaces the grass blanket.
Quite a ways back to the right of their yard was a small mound of earth. However at five and six years old this mound was not so small. This was their mountain. A holy place of both refuge and great fun. The mountain was hidden by a field of tall stalks of golden corn. The field of corn, along with the mountain and their house was the property of an elderly woman who lived in a trailer not too far from their mountain. Ms. Baker had seen and heard the children playing many a day on the mountain and running through the field of stalks. She was quite fond of the brother and sister and had given the two permission to play where ever they liked; when ever they wanted to.
Tab and Tim debated for a few moments on where exactly to bury the tin box. They did not want anything to happen to the bodies inside the box when they played at the mountain which was nearly every day. So to make sure baby bird and Lieutenant Jack would be safe forever and ever, Tim and Tab decided to dig a hole a few feet away from the mountain for the burial site. After digging, carefully placing and then covering the box with dirt Tab found two little sticks, then she took out the purple ribbon that held back her golden blonde hair and tied together a frail cross to place above the grave. Sitting there together sad but happy with their loving efforts, Tim and Tab agree to pray for their little friends. They clasped their hands together, bowed their heads, closed their sweet little eyes and began to speak...
"Dear Mr. God sir...This is Timmy Heartly talking to you...I mean praying to you...and I would like it if you would let my friends Baby Bird and Lutentin Jack live in heaven with you. Lutentin Jack isn't dead but he wants to go to heaven with baby bird so's he can help him if'n he needs help and so's he don't have to be alone. Is that ok? Please feed Baby Bird worms everyday 'cause thats what he likes. And Lutentin Jack likes hot dogs. Do you have hot dogs in heaven? Oh yea, God can you show Baby Bird how to pray too? I already showed Lutentin Jack how. OK...amen..Mr. God sir...thank you Mr. God sir...ummm and amen too."
"You just said amen two times." Tabitha firmly whispers as if to make sure that God doesn't hear her talking when she's suppose to be praying.
"So! God don't care." Timmy informs her.
"Ok it's my turn. Dear God I like Baby Bird too and he is my friend too and I hope you will let him come to heaven 'cause he's just a baby and he needs somebody to take care of him. Amen" Tabitha speaks softly.
The loving sister and brother open their eyes and gave each other a smile. Tabitha then takes a hold of the sleave of Timmy's shirt.
"Come on, it's time for momma to get home. We better get back in the house." Tabitha says to Timmy as if she were responsible for him; as if it were her job to watch him; as if she were Timmy's mother...and she was.
It's dinner time when Timmy and Tabitha's mother gets home. As often the siblings had done before, Tim and Tab had dinner waiting for her with both a smile and a hug for their hard working mother they love so much. Both of them run to the door when they hear the handle turn...
"Momma, momma!" the loving souls cried out in hope.
"Okay okay" momma response to the two excited children.
"Momma, we got a surprise for you!" Timmy claims with such excitement.
"Alright, let me catch my breath." Momma stated fondly.
She sits on the edge of the couch to remove her shoes from her swollen, calloused, aching feet. Tab and Tim stand at the entrance of the long hallway that leads to the remainder of the house. Then when momma gets her shoes off the excited children run to her and take her by the hand
"Come on momma. We got a surprise for ya." Timmy exclaims with an almost explosive look in his big blue eyes.
Tim and Tab with mommas hands directed by theirs guides her towards the kitchen.
"Okay, you gotta close your eyes." Tab directs.
Momma does as instructed as she's guided with loving care down the hallway.
"Now...open your eyes momma!"
And with Timmy's command momma opens her eyes to the dinner the children worked so hard on. Sandwiches, bologna sandwiches with mustard, (momma didn't like mustard but the long time resident of the frig was the only condiment the children could find), some pickles on a plate, and a bowl that contained left over peas from dinner two nights before sat proudly on the kitchen table. The kitchen, as clean as a five and six year old could accomplish, is the first thing that her eyes fixated on.
"Well, how nice." She claims with a look that is far too familiar and alarming to the children.
Tab and Tim release their tiny hands from mommas grip. Tabitha walks to mommas chair and pulls it out with a fearful smile.
"Here ya go momma." She says as if begging for approval.
And with an obvious uncomfortable thickness building in the air for both the tiny souls to feel, momma walks quietly to the chair and sits. As she sits down to the table she notices the meal the children had prepared. She watched them as they sat in their seats. Looking at the children she recognized the looks of worry that suddenly washed over their faces.
"What the hell's the matter with you two?" She lightly raises her voice.
"Nothing momma. Do you like the dinner we made you? Timmy set the table and I cooked the food and...."
"Cooked what food? You fixed sandwiches, put some old pickles on a plate and put cold peas on the table. So, what cooking did you do?"
Tab, too nervous to respond to her mothers question had to hold back the tears to keep her mother from getting mad. Only babies were allowed to cry and since there were no babies living in their house...
"Well I guess ya'll did alright." And with that momma excused herself from the table having only two quick bites of her sandwich and no kool-aid that Timmy made all by himself. She then walked out the kitchen door leaving the children now realizing that tonight would be another stay in their rooms and keep away from momma night. And as they sat there with alarms going off in their stressed little hearts her voice could be heard coming from just around the kitchen door.
"Oh, I'll do the dishes tonight AND I have a surprise for anyone that wants one. Does anyone want a surprise?."
With a snap of Tab and Tim's heads straight to each others now wide open, joyful eyes, they leapt from their chairs yelling.
"Me!, Me!, Me!, I wanna a surprise, I wanna surprise!" The siblings screamed out.
Momma took off down the hallway back to the living room with the children chasing behind her. Reaching the couch where her purse laid, she snatched it up and dashed towards the rocking chair. Close behind were the two overflowing with excitement, children. And off they went. The race once again was on. Through the house, around the kitchen table, into Tim's room, across his bed, through Tab's room to the door that connected her room with the bathroom, through the bathroom into momma's room on the other side then straight out the back door and around the yard. Tab and Tim loved playing chase with momma. Half the time they succeeded in catching her. Momma ran to that great big old oak tree and hid behind it. But, Timmy and Tabitha had done this before and knew exactly what their next move would be. Tab went right and Timmy headed left and with an attack from both sides momma was down! To the ground all three fell. Momma held tightly on to her purse as the children jumped up from the ground Timmy now sitting on her belly and Tab flopping to her side as they both, with extraordinary strength, rescued the goody filled treasure bag away from the surprise thief! Then the anxious tots opened the bag to find, nothing? They looked at each other dazed not knowing what to think. Just then momma reached into her back pocket and pulled out two long strips with multi colored dots. Their favorite, Candy Buttons! Now that was a surprise worthy of the great chase.
________________________________________
Throne of the Dead King
chapter 1
11:59 pm.
Sept. 22, 1994
The struggle of the reality taking place before her eyes, the guilt, that face, the one's that tortured her since this all began now looking so peaceful, so ready, a perfect example of the calm after the storm and her own reluctant acceptance of a long standing belief that this is what should have been all along are the only things going through her mind. Tabitha wants, needs to turn away but that would be abandoning him all over again. And that's something she will not, cannot do, not now, not in these last 60 seconds of life. She can't contain her tears in spite of her promise to not cry in front of him. His contentment in finally achieving what he had yearned for all along painted a loving gleam in his eyes and a faint smile upon his face as he stared into the eyes of the only person he believed truly knew him; the one person he believed loved him unconditional. His madness is nearly over and she is the very one, the only one he would gladly die for.
Crying was something he had longed ago learned not to do but in those last moments his demons, his love for his devoted sister and his relief crashed and produced from Tim's eye one single, lonely, painfully earned tear...
...
1969
Standing under an enormous oak tree in the back of their decrepit, paint peeling, wood rotting, roof leaking dirty white house was a five year old boy named Timmy...
"Sissy!..." Timmy calls out.
Tabitha, his one year older sister comes running from the metal shed in the back of the yard.
"What' s wrong?" she yells out frantically.
"Look!" Timmy said as he directs her eyes down to the ground.
"Ewww, Is it dead?" asks Tabitha.
The curious siblings squat down to get a closer look. Timmy picks up a short, thin twig lying next to his shoeless, stubby little feet and lightly pokes at a fragile, featherless, new born bird that had apparently fallen from the nest.
"Timmy don't you'll hurt it"
"He's dead you can't hurt something if it's dead, stupid!"
"Don't call me stupid, stupid!" Tab barks back at Tim.
They both look upward to search for what once was the baby bird's home.
"That's his nest. Do you think some brothers or sisters up there?" Timmy asked his sister.
"I don't know. I don't hear anything, do you?" Tab responds.
The boy fails to respond to his sisters question. His attention was now captivated by the stillness, the look of a peaceful rest that seemed to have swept away the little bird.
"Did you hear me?"
" What?" Mesmerized Timmy whispers never loosing sight of the baby bird.
"Timmy?!" Tabitha raises her voice.
With a sudden jerk of his head from the startling noise his trance is broken. Timmy looks at Tabitha strangely with a glance that implied an empty spirit. Then he redirected his eyes back to the bird
"Can we bury him sissy?"
"Where?"
"By the mountain so we can visit him when we go play."
"I'll go get something to put him in. You get some grass so he can lay on it, o.k.?"
Tab lifts back to her feet and takes off for the shed again. Timmy gets down on his knees and starts pulling grass out from the cool ground that grew in scattered patches around the oak tree.
Tab returns from the old metal shed with an aged tin box that once held mint candies inside. She sits on the ground next to Timmy and places the tin box between them. He layers the bottom of the box with a thick bed of green grass to keep comfortable his new little friend. Gently he picks up the body and lays the bird in the grass padded tin coffin. He then takes the another handful of grass and blankets over the stillness that barely even filled half of the box.
"Think he's warm enough?" He worries lovingly.
"He's sure got enough blankets on. " She smiled at Timmy.
"You did a good job." Tab praised him managing to inspire a meek grin to come over Timmy's sad face.
She then reached for the top to put on the box.
"Wait!" Timmy commands as he jumps up. He ran into the house and quickly returned carrying in his hand a tiny green army solder.
"Mr. baby bird this is Lutentin Jack. He's my friend and he's really strong. You can have him. That way if you need some help in heaven Lutentin Jack will take care of you." Timmy places the plastic protector in the box lying right beside the bird and then replaces the grass blanket.
Quite a ways back to the right of their yard was a small mound of earth. However at five and six years old this mound was not so small. This was their mountain. A holy place of both refuge and great fun. The mountain was hidden by a field of tall stalks of golden corn. The field of corn, along with the mountain and their house was the property of an elderly woman who lived in a trailer not too far from their mountain. Ms. Baker had seen and heard the children playing many a day on the mountain and running through the field of stalks. She was quite fond of the brother and sister and had given the two permission to play where ever they liked; when ever they wanted to.
Tab and Tim debated for a few moments on where exactly to bury the tin box. They did not want anything to happen to the bodies inside the box when they played at the mountain which was nearly every day. So to make sure baby bird and Lieutenant Jack would be safe forever and ever, Tim and Tab decided to dig a hole a few feet away from the mountain for the burial site. After digging, carefully placing and then covering the box with dirt Tab found two little sticks, then she took out the purple ribbon that held back her golden blonde hair and tied together a frail cross to place above the grave. Sitting there together sad but happy with their loving efforts, Tim and Tab agree to pray for their little friends. They clasped their hands together, bowed their heads, closed their sweet little eyes and began to speak...
"Dear Mr. God sir...This is Timmy Heartly talking to you...I mean praying to you...and I would like it if you would let my friends Baby Bird and Lutentin Jack live in heaven with you. Lutentin Jack isn't dead but he wants to go to heaven with baby bird so's he can help him if'n he needs help and so's he don't have to be alone. Is that ok? Please feed Baby Bird worms everyday 'cause thats what he likes. And Lutentin Jack likes hot dogs. Do you have hot dogs in heaven? Oh yea, God can you show Baby Bird how to pray too? I already showed Lutentin Jack how. OK...amen..Mr. God sir...thank you Mr. God sir...ummm and amen too."
"You just said amen two times." Tabitha firmly whispers as if to make sure that God doesn't hear her talking when she's suppose to be praying.
"So! God don't care." Timmy informs her.
"Ok it's my turn. Dear God I like Baby Bird too and he is my friend too and I hope you will let him come to heaven 'cause he's just a baby and he needs somebody to take care of him. Amen" Tabitha speaks softly.
The loving sister and brother open their eyes and gave each other a smile. Tabitha then takes a hold of the sleave of Timmy's shirt.
"Come on, it's time for momma to get home. We better get back in the house." Tabitha says to Timmy as if she were responsible for him; as if it were her job to watch him; as if she were Timmy's mother...and she was.
It's dinner time when Timmy and Tabitha's mother gets home. As often the siblings had done before, Tim and Tab had dinner waiting for her with both a smile and a hug for their hard working mother they love so much. Both of them run to the door when they hear the handle turn...
"Momma, momma!" the loving souls cried out in hope.
"Okay okay" momma response to the two excited children.
"Momma, we got a surprise for you!" Timmy claims with such excitement.
"Alright, let me catch my breath." Momma stated fondly.
She sits on the edge of the couch to remove her shoes from her swollen, calloused, aching feet. Tab and Tim stand at the entrance of the long hallway that leads to the remainder of the house. Then when momma gets her shoes off the excited children run to her and take her by the hand
"Come on momma. We got a surprise for ya." Timmy exclaims with an almost explosive look in his big blue eyes.
Tim and Tab with mommas hands directed by theirs guides her towards the kitchen.
"Okay, you gotta close your eyes." Tab directs.
Momma does as instructed as she's guided with loving care down the hallway.
"Now...open your eyes momma!"
And with Timmy's command momma opens her eyes to the dinner the children worked so hard on. Sandwiches, bologna sandwiches with mustard, (momma didn't like mustard but the long time resident of the frig was the only condiment the children could find), some pickles on a plate, and a bowl that contained left over peas from dinner two nights before sat proudly on the kitchen table. The kitchen, as clean as a five and six year old could accomplish, is the first thing that her eyes fixated on.
"Well, how nice." She claims with a look that is far too familiar and alarming to the children.
Tab and Tim release their tiny hands from mommas grip. Tabitha walks to mommas chair and pulls it out with a fearful smile.
"Here ya go momma." She says as if begging for approval.
And with an obvious uncomfortable thickness building in the air for both the tiny souls to feel, momma walks quietly to the chair and sits. As she sits down to the table she notices the meal the children had prepared. She watched them as they sat in their seats. Looking at the children she recognized the looks of worry that suddenly washed over their faces.
"What the hell's the matter with you two?" She lightly raises her voice.
"Nothing momma. Do you like the dinner we made you? Timmy set the table and I cooked the food and...."
"Cooked what food? You fixed sandwiches, put some old pickles on a plate and put cold peas on the table. So, what cooking did you do?"
Tab, too nervous to respond to her mothers question had to hold back the tears to keep her mother from getting mad. Only babies were allowed to cry and since there were no babies living in their house...
"Well I guess ya'll did alright." And with that momma excused herself from the table having only two quick bites of her sandwich and no kool-aid that Timmy made all by himself. She then walked out the kitchen door leaving the children now realizing that tonight would be another stay in their rooms and keep away from momma night. And as they sat there with alarms going off in their stressed little hearts her voice could be heard coming from just around the kitchen door.
"Oh, I'll do the dishes tonight AND I have a surprise for anyone that wants one. Does anyone want a surprise?."
With a snap of Tab and Tim's heads straight to each others now wide open, joyful eyes, they leapt from their chairs yelling.
"Me!, Me!, Me!, I wanna a surprise, I wanna surprise!" The siblings screamed out.
Momma took off down the hallway back to the living room with the children chasing behind her. Reaching the couch where her purse laid, she snatched it up and dashed towards the rocking chair. Close behind were the two overflowing with excitement, children. And off they went. The race once again was on. Through the house, around the kitchen table, into Tim's room, across his bed, through Tab's room to the door that connected her room with the bathroom, through the bathroom into momma's room on the other side then straight out the back door and around the yard. Tab and Tim loved playing chase with momma. Half the time they succeeded in catching her. Momma ran to that great big old oak tree and hid behind it. But, Timmy and Tabitha had done this before and knew exactly what their next move would be. Tab went right and Timmy headed left and with an attack from both sides momma was down! To the ground all three fell. Momma held tightly on to her purse as the children jumped up from the ground Timmy now sitting on her belly and Tab flopping to her side as they both, with extraordinary strength, rescued the goody filled treasure bag away from the surprise thief! Then the anxious tots opened the bag to find, nothing? They looked at each other dazed not knowing what to think. Just then momma reached into her back pocket and pulled out two long strips with multi colored dots. Their favorite, Candy Buttons! Now that was a surprise worthy of the great chase.
- Location:in the moment thinking it's time to start living.
- Mood:
anxious - Music:Playlist.com/Crash Into Me live/Dave Mathews Band
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tammyhendrix- Tammy Hendrix
- TammyHendrix
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